Geeky

My last post, even though very heartfelt at the moment, was pretty pitiful.   Moving on!

My geeky side comes out occasionally, well, if you asked my husband it would be quite often actually.  I love to research complex theories, I always try to figure out human behavior as I find it fascinating (including my own), I obsess over getting a 4.0, and I over analyze concepts and strategies.   I've learned to embrace and appreciate my geekiness though.   I have become skilled at setting goals, creating strategies of implementation and accomplishing them.  When I am feeling down and out, I strategize.  Well, first I cry, then I strategize.   Hence the change from the "I feel like a dissapointment" to the "I am ready to save the world!" attitude.  The hole in my invisible superwoman cape; it's now stitched and like new!
So, what does my strategy look like?   I'll share.   This helps me to stay accountable too.
Strategy # 1.  Prioritize my goals.   What is important to me, what can I let go, and what do I want to keep?
     a) my family
     b) finishing my Master's
     c) my volunteer work
     d) a job
     e) be healthy

Normally work would come before b & c, but there is a reason for the madness.   In reality, I find my volunteer work very rewarding.   It's part of living my mission, to make communities and individuals better, so for me it's something I won't give up.   I will give up time at work first.   My Master's is also a life long dream and will get me farther down the line.  I've invested too much to look back now.

Strategy # 2. Plan of action.    What do I need to do to find balance so I can focus on my family as that's the first priority, finish my Master's, still volunteer, and still work?

        a)  New job accepted: less hours with similar salary = still providing for my family,but with more time to spend with family,  to complete homework and still volunteer.
        b) Step back and recoup- I volunteer a lot.   I'm the VP of a non-profit board where we are working intensely on planning, I am a Girl Scout Leader for my daughters troop, I have been the lead fundraiser for my son's Robotics team to attend the World Championship, and the list goes on to seasonal events as well.  I need to take a little time to recoup, restructure, and then can return with some renewed energy.   When I'm not good, my work is not good and therefore is not helpful.   I want to be helpful.
        c) Finish my Master's: there is no time to slack now.  I have invested time and money, and I need to finish.   One year left until freedom!    I need to be able to stay focused.
        d) Organize:  one of the biggest reasons for failure is the lack of organization, which can have a domino effect.   Meal planning, time regulation, and my calendar are important to keep up.
        e) In order to accomplish goals, it's important to feel well both physically and mentally.   I started a healthy eating regimen last week and have done amazingly well.   At my new job my office is right by the fitness room, and I am going to join a relative for Zumba at least once per week.   I will feel human again!
        f) Maintain progress:  By checking in with my family and myself monthly I can make sure I am living up to my plan.  They help keep me in line.

Strategy #3. Be happy.  Life is too short.   How can I focus more on being positive?
       a) maintain standards of a sober household.   Since my husband quit drinking, there is a definite positive change.   I need to hold him accountable to uphold that and be strong enough to enforce it.
       b) Be grateful and remind myself daily of what I am grateful for.  Pray, give thanks and celebrate!   Life can be taken for granted easily.   I don't want to take anything for granted, and it's easy to do.   I will make myself a sign to put on my dresser that reminds me to say something each day that I am grateful for.
       c) Relax.  I usually am so busy that I don't take much time for myself, I need to do that more often.  I will plan one evening per month to get together with a friend or family to bake, cook, play cards or something.  Also, at least once a week we will have a game night with the kids.   I will put up a sheet on the fridge to mark who chose the game, what  it was, whose turn is next and this will serve as a reminder to make sure I take the time to do it.

Strategy #4. There is no strategy # 4.   But it's open in case I need one.

Life as I know it.

   

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Do you ever wake up and wonder, "What am I doing?"   When I was a child I wanted to live in rural Roseau, MN FOREVER!   I also wanted to be a veterinarian.   Hmmm...  how things change.   I could care less to ever live in Roseau again and I have a strong aversion to science, especially chemistry.   But, that is really off topic here.   I tend to write as it guides me, and helps me to think clearer.  It also is my way of healing when I really feel off kilter.  That is the purpose today.  

 Life changes.  Down one path, up the other.  A sharp left, climb the stairs and fall down backwards.   Up the elevator to the third door on the left side of the right hallway. All these curve balls... Sometimes wonderful, sometimes very difficult

I usually wear an invisible superwoman cape and try to save the world.   But, I found a gaping hole in it some time ago.  So, I sat down and analyzed my situation.     1. My husband was a severe alcoholic.  2. The more he drank the more I wanted to drink just to deal with it  3. I didn't feel healthy- physically or mentally.  4.  We needed to claim bankruptcy due to the debt from the farm as it would take me a lifetime to repay it.  5.  I constantly was finding "projects or things" to distract me from home.  6.  I became behind in my homework constantly  7. I was not being as attentive as a parent as I should be

(Every year I do some self analysis and it is a good, but difficult thing to do as you don't always like what you find)

So what did I do?  Set goals, made a family plan and implemented.
1. No alcohol- we now have a sober home.
2. Become healthier- better food choices, exercise, positive self-talk, lean on my support system.
3.  Finish taxes, hire a lawyer and get it done
4.  Set limits.  Be home more so I can be attentive to my husband and my kids.
5. Be more organized with my time so I have time for homework and am not stressed about falling behind


A job opening came about that would support being home more, being healthier and happier in my career, would assist me in setting limits and being more organized with my time.   I accepted.   Great, right!?!     Yet, when I put in my notice and talked to my coworker and boss about it I cried like a baby.  So what is my issue?

I know I tend to be an overachiever.  Even though this can be a good thing, it can also feel like catastrophe when things aren't going well.

I feel like for the first time in a long time, even though I have set my goals and know that this will be a positive change, that I am a disappointment.  There is nothing worse (in my mind) than being a disappointment.  I remember being a kid and the worst possible feeling in the world was disappointing my parents.   That fear hasn't changed much, but now it extends beyond my parents.

Setting limits means I can't help others and volunteer as much as I like.  It means that I feel weak, which I hate.  Claiming bankruptcy feels like failure.  Taking a step back means that I'm not doing a good enough job.  Overall, I feel like a disaster scene.  Hence the feeling of waking up to, "What am I doing?".

I know the steps of healing, what to do, how to do it etc.  I know that I am going through a phase due to the difficult situation.  So, today my step is writing about my feelings so I can move on.

I know that I will bounce back and be just as strong as ever once again; my superwoman cape is repairable after all.

Education: Phase 3

I've been rampantly checking the mail daily, nervously awaiting one piece of paper that would either say, "accepted" or "declined".  After what seemed like years (or maybe one month) it finally arrived.   "Congratulations!" was all I saw and I cried.  

  I never thought I would have a Masters Degree in Community Development, especially from NDSU.  When I was a child I was going to go to the University of Minnesota to be a Veterinarian.  Then I took Chemistry.   Maybe not... 

I found a love of political science, communication studies and social sciences.  After returning to college 8 years after my first attempt I fell in love with the social work field.  Hence I am a licensed social worker now.  I love social work, the theories and models, but I am not into one-to-one counseling. 


I love macro social work: community and organizational systems change.  The Masters in Social Work programs are mainly suited for therapy.   I need therapy some days, I certainly don't want to give it!   So, I found an incredible person by chance who is now running for Senate in North Dakota.  We connected immediately.   There was a higher power involved I believe.   She told me about this wonderful program I had never heard of.   A Masters Degree in Community Development with a specialty in Non-profit Management through Great Plains IDEA that is applied for at NDSU.  Hmmm...  Sounded interesting.  

I began researching and found that I am absolutely in love with the program.  So, here I am at Phase 3.  My associates degree, my bachelors degree and now onto my Masters.   All I have to say is, "Wish me luck!"   I might need it!

Role Models

"Ahhhhh!!!!    Do I hit the brakes or steer into it?!?"   I guess we find out when it's all over if we made the right decision.   Sometimes life throws the same curves at us.   Good thing I have strong, intelligent, supportive people in my life to help think about whether I should "hit the brakes" or "steer into it".  

Working as a counselor with low income families I see a commonality.  People have a huge lack of support systems.   No family, few friends, no support.  If they have family and friends they are usually less than helpful.   This makes me feel fortunate.  I've been a low income person/family for years, but have always had the support system I needed to help me succeed.   I wish I could give this to my customers.  I try, but I've been told, "Karen, you can't save the world."    My response, "Nope, but I can try!"  

This leads to my dilemma.  In my "trying to save the world efforts", I've found my passion which is changing systems.  I want to have the ability to improve services, to make them customer focused, positive, efficient and collaborative.  Of course there is a career ladder to follow to reach that goal.   I'm on step 3.   I'm not  quite there, but I am on my way! 

I am a counselor as I said before.   But, I am also gaining lots of experience as a grant writer, strategic planner, public relations specialist and much more!   Only one year out of college and I've had great opportunities in my current position.  Here's the problem/opportunity  (however you want to look at it).

The agency I did my internship at recently lost their executive director.  They have been in contact with me and want me to apply.  Great, right?!?   Did I mention I tend to over-analyze things?   

I've had a constant debate in my head.   Do I stay where I'm at or do I try a new adventure?   Should I have more experience; is it over my head?   This is my dream is to be a director one day.  Should I "steer into it" or "hit the brakes"?   

So what do I do?    Reach out to my role models:  My mother, my sister and my aunts.  Intelligent, compassionate, empathetic and supportive women who have had an impact on my life.   They don't ever give me the answers, but they bring me strength and provide me a way to sort them out.   Without their support I would probably still be below step one on that career ladder.  I don't know if they know how much I appreciate them.   So, in tribute to them, a special thank you and cheers!  

Overall, I think I know what decision to make.  But regardless of that, there is a bigger picture.   How do I bring the same type of support, vision and strength to the people I serve that I've been able to receive?   I don't have a complete answer, but I am hoping to figure it out.   Can I save the world?  No.  But I can sure as hell try.   One person, one family, one group, one organization or one community at a time.  

 

An Angel Looking Down

We all know life is too short, right?   We hear it all the time, "Be all you can be", "Just do it", "Live like you were dying", "I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time" etc.  We read articles about someone in another state who ruthlessly murdered their children, all the cases of cancer, deadly car accidents and more.  Why is it though that when it is someone you know, a close friend, a neighbors child or a relative it brings the meaning to a whole new level?  

Last weekend I sat with a dear friend in the hospital as we watched her 10 year old daughter, Jackie, for any signs of life.   On Friday Jackie woke up with a headache and started throwing up.   Shellie, my friend,  went to work thinking Jackie had the flu and left Jackie's older sister to watch after her.  When Shellie came home around 2 pm she went to hand Jackie some crackers for her tummy and Jackie couldn't see them.  She had lost her vision.

At the ER suddenly Jackie was in and out of consciousness and disoriented.  They sent her to Fargo immediately as they didn't know what was happening.  In Fargo she began having seizures and was intubated as she couldn't breathe well.  By Saturday evening she crashed.   The crash cart was brought in and Jackie was put on life support.   

I was at the hospital Saturday evening, Sunday and Monday.  We watched Jackie, waited for test result after test result with more grief after each report of bad news.   Monday morning they scheduled a brain scan to see if the brain was circulating blood; the final test.  I brought my rosary with that day, I happened to see it that morning at 5 am when I was getting ready to head out.   God was sending me a sign.  While Jackie was being tested I went to the chapel.  I knelt down in the front where a beautiful wooden sculpted frame of Jesus with doves floating in the breeze stood.  I don't think I have ever prayed so hard in my life.  As the tears streamed down my face I prayed Hail Mary over and over again. 

I returned to the room and shortly thereafter the doctor arrived and very bluntly said, "This is the end."  A wave of tears returned to the room.  Desperate sobbing, anger, denial and suffering were only to be seen. As Jackie was a healthy child the doctor asked about organ donation and Shellie knew Jackie would want to help other children to live if she could.  Since it is a time consuming process it wasn't until Tuesday afternoon before there was any answers.  Due to the fact that her cause of death was unknown and could have been related to a virus her organs were turned down except for one.  Another blow to the heart for Shellie and her family. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan.  At a recent funeral for a relative of mine, a very young man, the priest talked about how God asks us to rejoice.  "Be happy and do not mourn, for the soul is now free and with the Lord."  But, how do you rejoice when you feel it is before someones time? 
Remembering the good times, having faith that he took them for a reason.   Was something in life going to happen that was too difficult to bear?  Did Jackie's little brother need an extra angel to watch over him?  Will she reunite a struggling family and bring healing?   I don't know.   What I do know is that there is another beautiful angel, looking down, and watching over me. 

Pathways

My boss has been on vacation this week which has left me all alone in my office each day.   Completely boring!   Since I haven't written in a while I thought I would use some time during my break to update my blog.  

We all wonder at some point in our lives what we want to be when we grow up.   I'm approaching 30 and still don't really know.  Everyone in the workforce field, which I currently work in, talks about career ladders and pathways, career assessments, occupations in demand, standard salaries and expected growth.   Well, I've taken career assessments which have told me where my interests are, I am following a pathway, I know what jobs are in demand and where to avoid, what kind of money I could make and where  I could find employment and I still am not sure what I'm doing.   No wonder so many people are overwhelmed with the thought of college.

I love my social work background, don't get me wrong.   However, a Masters in Social Work is geared mostly towards counseling.  This is not me.  I like developing new projects, creating social change, minimizing duplications and finding innovative ways to save money while making a "big bang".  My strengths, thanks to Strengthfinders 2.0, are Futuristic, Strategic, Achiever, Communicator and Learner.   All of these support this type of career I describe.   The problem is what exactly is that career?  In other words, finding a Masters program and wondering where to go from here has been challenging.

I love politics and policy, I won't deny that.   I enjoy public relations and researching best practices.   I like to work with a couple different populations.  I believe in helping those in need and really would like to work on prevention efforts towards ending systemic poverty.   I also love working with the elderly population and advocating for health care, ending elderly abuse and providing improved services.  I would avoid youth services though as that is really not my thing. 

I've been comparing Masters programs in Public Administration with a Healthcare Administration track and Community Development.   Community Development sounds more exciting and much less scary to me.   Public Administration has more job opportunities and I live in rural Minnesota where that comes into play.  Hmm...  I also looked into a Bush Fellowship- a 4 year commitment- where you recieve leadership training for 4 years and between $25-$75 thousand to research and develop a project.   I would love to do this, but I think the timing is off for now.   Maybe in the future.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing.   My mom tells me I do that sometimes...  :~)   I know it's true.  I am also inpatient at times which is probably why I find this frustrating.  I just want to know where life will lead me.  Wherever that may be, I am trying to enjoy the ride.  However, after 14 years of struggling year after year, about half of my life so far, I am definately ready for some stability. 

I guess I should pull out my magic eightball.   I was told it has all the answers. Although I shook it and I'm not sure what the hell this means. ;~)

God's Plan

Two days ago I sat here and wrote on my blog with tears streaming down my face and today I can't stop smiling!   God's grace is amazing.  

With the upcoming loss of our farm we have been wondering, "Will we be homeless... what do we do... can we stay in the same area... where do we move to?"   This led to an extensive housing search.  One of the options that arose was that Eric's Uncle, who lives in Tennessee, owns a home a few miles away from our place and it was up for sale.   It was Eric's Grandpa's home before he passed away and we were very close to his Grandpa and visited often.   We talked to Eric's Uncle about renting, but since he was in Tennessee he really wasn't keen on it.

After a day of thinking, exploring options and lots of prayers we thought about our potential to buy.   While most common routes of homebuying went out the window due to our current situation, we thought contract for deed might be an option.   Needless to say, before we even lose one property we are purchasing another!

The house is bigger and in better shape than our current home with three bedrooms, one bathroom, a large entryway addition and also a finished two stall garage. There is 11 acres which is enough to play in the garden, maybe raise a couple calves and chickens etc.   Our next door neighbor is Eric's cousin who is a great guy and some of our closest friends will be only 1 mile one direction and a few miles the other direction.   

Even though the loss of the farm is devastating, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.  Buying Grandpa's house, having wonderful friends as neighbors, a bigger/in better shape home, kids in the same school district, and not having to claim bankruptcy all in the same bundle. 

Moral of the story is that God always has a plan and I truly believe he has been watching out for us, with Grandpa nudging his side of course.  ;~)   Hallelujah!!!