Geeky

My last post, even though very heartfelt at the moment, was pretty pitiful.   Moving on!

My geeky side comes out occasionally, well, if you asked my husband it would be quite often actually.  I love to research complex theories, I always try to figure out human behavior as I find it fascinating (including my own), I obsess over getting a 4.0, and I over analyze concepts and strategies.   I've learned to embrace and appreciate my geekiness though.   I have become skilled at setting goals, creating strategies of implementation and accomplishing them.  When I am feeling down and out, I strategize.  Well, first I cry, then I strategize.   Hence the change from the "I feel like a dissapointment" to the "I am ready to save the world!" attitude.  The hole in my invisible superwoman cape; it's now stitched and like new!
So, what does my strategy look like?   I'll share.   This helps me to stay accountable too.
Strategy # 1.  Prioritize my goals.   What is important to me, what can I let go, and what do I want to keep?
     a) my family
     b) finishing my Master's
     c) my volunteer work
     d) a job
     e) be healthy

Normally work would come before b & c, but there is a reason for the madness.   In reality, I find my volunteer work very rewarding.   It's part of living my mission, to make communities and individuals better, so for me it's something I won't give up.   I will give up time at work first.   My Master's is also a life long dream and will get me farther down the line.  I've invested too much to look back now.

Strategy # 2. Plan of action.    What do I need to do to find balance so I can focus on my family as that's the first priority, finish my Master's, still volunteer, and still work?

        a)  New job accepted: less hours with similar salary = still providing for my family,but with more time to spend with family,  to complete homework and still volunteer.
        b) Step back and recoup- I volunteer a lot.   I'm the VP of a non-profit board where we are working intensely on planning, I am a Girl Scout Leader for my daughters troop, I have been the lead fundraiser for my son's Robotics team to attend the World Championship, and the list goes on to seasonal events as well.  I need to take a little time to recoup, restructure, and then can return with some renewed energy.   When I'm not good, my work is not good and therefore is not helpful.   I want to be helpful.
        c) Finish my Master's: there is no time to slack now.  I have invested time and money, and I need to finish.   One year left until freedom!    I need to be able to stay focused.
        d) Organize:  one of the biggest reasons for failure is the lack of organization, which can have a domino effect.   Meal planning, time regulation, and my calendar are important to keep up.
        e) In order to accomplish goals, it's important to feel well both physically and mentally.   I started a healthy eating regimen last week and have done amazingly well.   At my new job my office is right by the fitness room, and I am going to join a relative for Zumba at least once per week.   I will feel human again!
        f) Maintain progress:  By checking in with my family and myself monthly I can make sure I am living up to my plan.  They help keep me in line.

Strategy #3. Be happy.  Life is too short.   How can I focus more on being positive?
       a) maintain standards of a sober household.   Since my husband quit drinking, there is a definite positive change.   I need to hold him accountable to uphold that and be strong enough to enforce it.
       b) Be grateful and remind myself daily of what I am grateful for.  Pray, give thanks and celebrate!   Life can be taken for granted easily.   I don't want to take anything for granted, and it's easy to do.   I will make myself a sign to put on my dresser that reminds me to say something each day that I am grateful for.
       c) Relax.  I usually am so busy that I don't take much time for myself, I need to do that more often.  I will plan one evening per month to get together with a friend or family to bake, cook, play cards or something.  Also, at least once a week we will have a game night with the kids.   I will put up a sheet on the fridge to mark who chose the game, what  it was, whose turn is next and this will serve as a reminder to make sure I take the time to do it.

Strategy #4. There is no strategy # 4.   But it's open in case I need one.

Life as I know it.

   

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Do you ever wake up and wonder, "What am I doing?"   When I was a child I wanted to live in rural Roseau, MN FOREVER!   I also wanted to be a veterinarian.   Hmmm...  how things change.   I could care less to ever live in Roseau again and I have a strong aversion to science, especially chemistry.   But, that is really off topic here.   I tend to write as it guides me, and helps me to think clearer.  It also is my way of healing when I really feel off kilter.  That is the purpose today.  

 Life changes.  Down one path, up the other.  A sharp left, climb the stairs and fall down backwards.   Up the elevator to the third door on the left side of the right hallway. All these curve balls... Sometimes wonderful, sometimes very difficult

I usually wear an invisible superwoman cape and try to save the world.   But, I found a gaping hole in it some time ago.  So, I sat down and analyzed my situation.     1. My husband was a severe alcoholic.  2. The more he drank the more I wanted to drink just to deal with it  3. I didn't feel healthy- physically or mentally.  4.  We needed to claim bankruptcy due to the debt from the farm as it would take me a lifetime to repay it.  5.  I constantly was finding "projects or things" to distract me from home.  6.  I became behind in my homework constantly  7. I was not being as attentive as a parent as I should be

(Every year I do some self analysis and it is a good, but difficult thing to do as you don't always like what you find)

So what did I do?  Set goals, made a family plan and implemented.
1. No alcohol- we now have a sober home.
2. Become healthier- better food choices, exercise, positive self-talk, lean on my support system.
3.  Finish taxes, hire a lawyer and get it done
4.  Set limits.  Be home more so I can be attentive to my husband and my kids.
5. Be more organized with my time so I have time for homework and am not stressed about falling behind


A job opening came about that would support being home more, being healthier and happier in my career, would assist me in setting limits and being more organized with my time.   I accepted.   Great, right!?!     Yet, when I put in my notice and talked to my coworker and boss about it I cried like a baby.  So what is my issue?

I know I tend to be an overachiever.  Even though this can be a good thing, it can also feel like catastrophe when things aren't going well.

I feel like for the first time in a long time, even though I have set my goals and know that this will be a positive change, that I am a disappointment.  There is nothing worse (in my mind) than being a disappointment.  I remember being a kid and the worst possible feeling in the world was disappointing my parents.   That fear hasn't changed much, but now it extends beyond my parents.

Setting limits means I can't help others and volunteer as much as I like.  It means that I feel weak, which I hate.  Claiming bankruptcy feels like failure.  Taking a step back means that I'm not doing a good enough job.  Overall, I feel like a disaster scene.  Hence the feeling of waking up to, "What am I doing?".

I know the steps of healing, what to do, how to do it etc.  I know that I am going through a phase due to the difficult situation.  So, today my step is writing about my feelings so I can move on.

I know that I will bounce back and be just as strong as ever once again; my superwoman cape is repairable after all.

Education: Phase 3

I've been rampantly checking the mail daily, nervously awaiting one piece of paper that would either say, "accepted" or "declined".  After what seemed like years (or maybe one month) it finally arrived.   "Congratulations!" was all I saw and I cried.  

  I never thought I would have a Masters Degree in Community Development, especially from NDSU.  When I was a child I was going to go to the University of Minnesota to be a Veterinarian.  Then I took Chemistry.   Maybe not... 

I found a love of political science, communication studies and social sciences.  After returning to college 8 years after my first attempt I fell in love with the social work field.  Hence I am a licensed social worker now.  I love social work, the theories and models, but I am not into one-to-one counseling. 


I love macro social work: community and organizational systems change.  The Masters in Social Work programs are mainly suited for therapy.   I need therapy some days, I certainly don't want to give it!   So, I found an incredible person by chance who is now running for Senate in North Dakota.  We connected immediately.   There was a higher power involved I believe.   She told me about this wonderful program I had never heard of.   A Masters Degree in Community Development with a specialty in Non-profit Management through Great Plains IDEA that is applied for at NDSU.  Hmmm...  Sounded interesting.  

I began researching and found that I am absolutely in love with the program.  So, here I am at Phase 3.  My associates degree, my bachelors degree and now onto my Masters.   All I have to say is, "Wish me luck!"   I might need it!

Role Models

"Ahhhhh!!!!    Do I hit the brakes or steer into it?!?"   I guess we find out when it's all over if we made the right decision.   Sometimes life throws the same curves at us.   Good thing I have strong, intelligent, supportive people in my life to help think about whether I should "hit the brakes" or "steer into it".  

Working as a counselor with low income families I see a commonality.  People have a huge lack of support systems.   No family, few friends, no support.  If they have family and friends they are usually less than helpful.   This makes me feel fortunate.  I've been a low income person/family for years, but have always had the support system I needed to help me succeed.   I wish I could give this to my customers.  I try, but I've been told, "Karen, you can't save the world."    My response, "Nope, but I can try!"  

This leads to my dilemma.  In my "trying to save the world efforts", I've found my passion which is changing systems.  I want to have the ability to improve services, to make them customer focused, positive, efficient and collaborative.  Of course there is a career ladder to follow to reach that goal.   I'm on step 3.   I'm not  quite there, but I am on my way! 

I am a counselor as I said before.   But, I am also gaining lots of experience as a grant writer, strategic planner, public relations specialist and much more!   Only one year out of college and I've had great opportunities in my current position.  Here's the problem/opportunity  (however you want to look at it).

The agency I did my internship at recently lost their executive director.  They have been in contact with me and want me to apply.  Great, right?!?   Did I mention I tend to over-analyze things?   

I've had a constant debate in my head.   Do I stay where I'm at or do I try a new adventure?   Should I have more experience; is it over my head?   This is my dream is to be a director one day.  Should I "steer into it" or "hit the brakes"?   

So what do I do?    Reach out to my role models:  My mother, my sister and my aunts.  Intelligent, compassionate, empathetic and supportive women who have had an impact on my life.   They don't ever give me the answers, but they bring me strength and provide me a way to sort them out.   Without their support I would probably still be below step one on that career ladder.  I don't know if they know how much I appreciate them.   So, in tribute to them, a special thank you and cheers!  

Overall, I think I know what decision to make.  But regardless of that, there is a bigger picture.   How do I bring the same type of support, vision and strength to the people I serve that I've been able to receive?   I don't have a complete answer, but I am hoping to figure it out.   Can I save the world?  No.  But I can sure as hell try.   One person, one family, one group, one organization or one community at a time.  

 

An Angel Looking Down

We all know life is too short, right?   We hear it all the time, "Be all you can be", "Just do it", "Live like you were dying", "I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time" etc.  We read articles about someone in another state who ruthlessly murdered their children, all the cases of cancer, deadly car accidents and more.  Why is it though that when it is someone you know, a close friend, a neighbors child or a relative it brings the meaning to a whole new level?  

Last weekend I sat with a dear friend in the hospital as we watched her 10 year old daughter, Jackie, for any signs of life.   On Friday Jackie woke up with a headache and started throwing up.   Shellie, my friend,  went to work thinking Jackie had the flu and left Jackie's older sister to watch after her.  When Shellie came home around 2 pm she went to hand Jackie some crackers for her tummy and Jackie couldn't see them.  She had lost her vision.

At the ER suddenly Jackie was in and out of consciousness and disoriented.  They sent her to Fargo immediately as they didn't know what was happening.  In Fargo she began having seizures and was intubated as she couldn't breathe well.  By Saturday evening she crashed.   The crash cart was brought in and Jackie was put on life support.   

I was at the hospital Saturday evening, Sunday and Monday.  We watched Jackie, waited for test result after test result with more grief after each report of bad news.   Monday morning they scheduled a brain scan to see if the brain was circulating blood; the final test.  I brought my rosary with that day, I happened to see it that morning at 5 am when I was getting ready to head out.   God was sending me a sign.  While Jackie was being tested I went to the chapel.  I knelt down in the front where a beautiful wooden sculpted frame of Jesus with doves floating in the breeze stood.  I don't think I have ever prayed so hard in my life.  As the tears streamed down my face I prayed Hail Mary over and over again. 

I returned to the room and shortly thereafter the doctor arrived and very bluntly said, "This is the end."  A wave of tears returned to the room.  Desperate sobbing, anger, denial and suffering were only to be seen. As Jackie was a healthy child the doctor asked about organ donation and Shellie knew Jackie would want to help other children to live if she could.  Since it is a time consuming process it wasn't until Tuesday afternoon before there was any answers.  Due to the fact that her cause of death was unknown and could have been related to a virus her organs were turned down except for one.  Another blow to the heart for Shellie and her family. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan.  At a recent funeral for a relative of mine, a very young man, the priest talked about how God asks us to rejoice.  "Be happy and do not mourn, for the soul is now free and with the Lord."  But, how do you rejoice when you feel it is before someones time? 
Remembering the good times, having faith that he took them for a reason.   Was something in life going to happen that was too difficult to bear?  Did Jackie's little brother need an extra angel to watch over him?  Will she reunite a struggling family and bring healing?   I don't know.   What I do know is that there is another beautiful angel, looking down, and watching over me. 

Pathways

My boss has been on vacation this week which has left me all alone in my office each day.   Completely boring!   Since I haven't written in a while I thought I would use some time during my break to update my blog.  

We all wonder at some point in our lives what we want to be when we grow up.   I'm approaching 30 and still don't really know.  Everyone in the workforce field, which I currently work in, talks about career ladders and pathways, career assessments, occupations in demand, standard salaries and expected growth.   Well, I've taken career assessments which have told me where my interests are, I am following a pathway, I know what jobs are in demand and where to avoid, what kind of money I could make and where  I could find employment and I still am not sure what I'm doing.   No wonder so many people are overwhelmed with the thought of college.

I love my social work background, don't get me wrong.   However, a Masters in Social Work is geared mostly towards counseling.  This is not me.  I like developing new projects, creating social change, minimizing duplications and finding innovative ways to save money while making a "big bang".  My strengths, thanks to Strengthfinders 2.0, are Futuristic, Strategic, Achiever, Communicator and Learner.   All of these support this type of career I describe.   The problem is what exactly is that career?  In other words, finding a Masters program and wondering where to go from here has been challenging.

I love politics and policy, I won't deny that.   I enjoy public relations and researching best practices.   I like to work with a couple different populations.  I believe in helping those in need and really would like to work on prevention efforts towards ending systemic poverty.   I also love working with the elderly population and advocating for health care, ending elderly abuse and providing improved services.  I would avoid youth services though as that is really not my thing. 

I've been comparing Masters programs in Public Administration with a Healthcare Administration track and Community Development.   Community Development sounds more exciting and much less scary to me.   Public Administration has more job opportunities and I live in rural Minnesota where that comes into play.  Hmm...  I also looked into a Bush Fellowship- a 4 year commitment- where you recieve leadership training for 4 years and between $25-$75 thousand to research and develop a project.   I would love to do this, but I think the timing is off for now.   Maybe in the future.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing.   My mom tells me I do that sometimes...  :~)   I know it's true.  I am also inpatient at times which is probably why I find this frustrating.  I just want to know where life will lead me.  Wherever that may be, I am trying to enjoy the ride.  However, after 14 years of struggling year after year, about half of my life so far, I am definately ready for some stability. 

I guess I should pull out my magic eightball.   I was told it has all the answers. Although I shook it and I'm not sure what the hell this means. ;~)

God's Plan

Two days ago I sat here and wrote on my blog with tears streaming down my face and today I can't stop smiling!   God's grace is amazing.  

With the upcoming loss of our farm we have been wondering, "Will we be homeless... what do we do... can we stay in the same area... where do we move to?"   This led to an extensive housing search.  One of the options that arose was that Eric's Uncle, who lives in Tennessee, owns a home a few miles away from our place and it was up for sale.   It was Eric's Grandpa's home before he passed away and we were very close to his Grandpa and visited often.   We talked to Eric's Uncle about renting, but since he was in Tennessee he really wasn't keen on it.

After a day of thinking, exploring options and lots of prayers we thought about our potential to buy.   While most common routes of homebuying went out the window due to our current situation, we thought contract for deed might be an option.   Needless to say, before we even lose one property we are purchasing another!

The house is bigger and in better shape than our current home with three bedrooms, one bathroom, a large entryway addition and also a finished two stall garage. There is 11 acres which is enough to play in the garden, maybe raise a couple calves and chickens etc.   Our next door neighbor is Eric's cousin who is a great guy and some of our closest friends will be only 1 mile one direction and a few miles the other direction.   

Even though the loss of the farm is devastating, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.  Buying Grandpa's house, having wonderful friends as neighbors, a bigger/in better shape home, kids in the same school district, and not having to claim bankruptcy all in the same bundle. 

Moral of the story is that God always has a plan and I truly believe he has been watching out for us, with Grandpa nudging his side of course.  ;~)   Hallelujah!!!

Values and Freedom

I've been trying to console myself, feeling pretty self absorbed in my own anger, fear and sorrows this week.   But, watching season two of Little House on the Prairie and listening to a family talk about how loosing their home was insignificant as they were able to live in America, the land of freedoms, facilitated a substantial emotional impact on me.   Thoughts of, "How could they be so positive in such a dire situation?" lead to, "They're right.  It's never over.  It's never too late to make a new start.  We are fortunate to live here and experience freedoms when many are never allowed the opportunity!"  A wake up call... 

After over three years of battling the forces of nature, unforseen disasters, a monetary recession, rising costs of living and business and trying to raise a family and simply survive, our farming expedition is coming to an end.  The battle of values, ethics and survival now hinges upon our minds and the outcome  may lead to loosing our home.  What is the honorable thing- to sell out everything and hope to make enough to pay everyone off.  Is it realistic- probably not.  What is the selfish thing- claim bankruptcy and not care if others are affected knowing we might be able to keep our home.  Values and ethics.... why can't this be easier. 

Finding peace with a decision has been difficult for Eric and I.  There is no easy out and there is no consoling answers.  Looking ahead to try to grasp onto some sense of resiliency is difficult.  As I think about the situation I find myself humbled.  Looking forward to the opportunity to start over, improving our lives through a new faucet, remembering our freedoms and grabbing onto all the hope we can needs to take precedent. 

Conjumbled feelings, emotions and thoughts can lead to regretable decision making, so how do we make decisions regarding life at these times and what is right?  I find myself pondering on this; waiting for some grandiose idea or option to hit me, but it hasn't. 

While God is carrying us through this time in our life, I think about his footsteps in the sand and wonder which way they are leading.  Either way, I know that he will keep my family safe, housed, fed, clean, educated, free to speak and write and much more.  Wherever the path may lead,  I pray for understanding, healing and guidance for my family and am thankful for all that I have.

Values are not about land, business, pride or money... they are about love, humility, freedom and faith. 
  

New Horizons

Updating my blog has not been my stong point this past 6 months, so I appologize for that.   However, I thought I had better follow up after my previous post. 

First off, thank you for all the prayers!  I can't express how appreciated they are, and they have paid off.  On Monday we met with our farm service agency representative, who is a wizard or should be anyway, and he put the options on the table.   To get right to the point, they are going to work with us.  This gives us the opportunity to keep the farm and turn things around.   Wonderful, right!?!

So, my mom always taught me to see the good in everything.   Even though the time period before this was really emotional, frightening, and stressful, it gave me the opportunity to do some really deep thinking which I appreciate.   Bottom line: there will be some new changes on the horizon.

I am definately a goal setter, however, I think we all get to a point where once we achieve our goals that we set out for we get a little stagnant if we don't sit down and restructure.   I realized that in the last 6 months or so I had become stagnant and so has my husband, career wise.   After graduating from college and finding a job, I didn't sit down and reformat what comes next.   My husband fell into the same trend as well.  The good news is that almost loosing the farm revived us from this state and now we have been able to reorganize and restructure. 

Setting new goals for myself, my family, and our careers is like breathing in fresh spring air.  It's revitalizing, it reminds you that things will begin to grow soon, and it's the beginning of something beautiful.   With some short term and long term goals drawn out, with steps on how to get there, we are on our way again.  The weight lifted off my shoulders feels fabulous, and I feel renewed.   

With new horizons ahead, we are on our way. 

How do you prepare to change your life?

How do you prepare to change your life?   I've contemplated this question often lately.   Changing your culture, part of your being, what regulates your schedule, your family, your values and ethics, and your pocket book.  Dairy farming is much more than a career, it's a culture of its own, a lifestyle, a story.   It started with a dream, a creation of something much bigger than a job or a few pennies in the pocket; like trying to create a garden exploding with  foliage but with only the seeds of hope and determination.    Our dreams became a reality four years ago, and now it feels as if someone is burning the blueprint we created in front of our own eyes. 

We had no illusions going into the dairy industry.   We knew full well how much work, time and effort it would be.   Money was not an expectation, but there was hope that there would be enough to survive.  Despite the downfalls of the dairy, the farm has been a blessing.   My children have learned responsibility, work ethics, have more knowledge in their little heads- anything from breeding cows, how to care for calves, to what type of chemicals we use to clean the barn lines- and have had priveleges that only a farm child can truly appreciate.   I see the pride and happiness that my husband has experienced, the hard work he has put into all areas of the farm, and remember the day we inscribed "The Crabtree Farm" into the concrete we poured.  Now his pride, self-esteem, and hope fade each day.    My own experience on the farm has exacerbated that of any job I could ever find as well, yet lately at the end of each day the barn floor catches my tears. 

After three years of unpredictable disasters beyond our control, which have compiled and caused utter chaos, I find myself trying to prepare for change.  We have one very small hope that we can continue, but it's about as big as a sliver in a pile of sawdust.  However, I am still praying and won't give up hope.  

But for now these questions plague my mind: How do I help my family, how do we prepare, what do we do, how does this work...?   With an uncertain future ahead, I have a very heavy heart.   When I ask these questions the first thought that comes to my mind is prayer.   All I pray for is for some peace for my family, to show us which way to go, and to guide us in that direction.   So, for anyone out there, please pray for my family.  

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NEW Women's Leadership

In June 2010 I had the opportunity to attend a 5 day seminar called the NEW Women's Leadership Institute which was one of the most inspirational times of my life.  I was surrounded by some of the most fabulous women I have ever met, the motivation to change the world could be felt on all levels, and the passion that the women had could be felt while they spoke.  This year I was asked to come and speak as an outstanding alumni to share my story, what I have done since last year, and to share some advice with this years attendance.  I was extremely nervous as I kept reciting words in my head, trying to make sense of my life and its direction so that I could share it with others. 

    I sat on a panel with five other alumni, all attendants from 2008, 2006 or 2004, which made me feel slightly insecure as they were all on quite a path.  My accomplishments felt like didly compared to the executive director, the woman working for the state doing amazing grassroots work, and the woman who is making waves for GLBT rights through grassroots movements as well.  However, as I sat there I just thought, "Everyone has a story... I just graduated and just attended last year... where will I be in five years?  Maybe doing similar things as they are?"  and I became comfortable with myself. 

I stood up to speak, stood behind the podium for a second, explained my hatred of podiums as they feel so restricting and stepped in front of it to share my story.  I began with a nervous joke, thanks to my husband, and began to share my story of being a teenage mom, struggling through an unhealthy teen/ early adult relationship, barely making it through my first year of college, but never giving up my dream.  I skipped years and talked about moving to Frazee because there was a pretty lake, meeting my husband, having my family, creating our own dairy farm, and attending college once again.  College is what led me to the seminar and I am ever so grateful.  I shared how it changed my perspective of seeing myself as someone without the ability to make changes since I was a "nobody" to seeing how anyone can make changes if they are willing to try.  Creating and capturing opportunities is all it takes.  Instead of walking away or staying quiet when someone is speaking about an interest of yours, speak up.

Teen Presentation

A room full of 9-12 graders, a cut open garbage bag, 15 bottles of condiments, a computer and a script wer used to fill a good portion of my afternoon yesterday.  I had to give a presentation in the high school to 20 students on teen dating violence.  The powerpoint presentation itself was good, I had a couple great utube videos to support it.  The kids were engaged and participated in the discussion throughout and only one was sleeping.  I thought that was successful!  

I had taken an idea from my mother's 7th grade religious ed. class (Thanks Mom!)  from years ago and revamped it to fit to domestic violence.  I wrote a script involving two dating teenagers, a narrator and a voice.  The 4 kids read the script and as the male's words or actions represent a negative behavior, or the female would behave in a certain way, the voice would say a word.  Each student had a bottle with a word on it, such as "threatening", "verbal abuse" or "intimidation", and when their word was called they walked over to the garbage bag and squirted the bottle on it.  As the story went on, the negative behaviors intensified, and the 15 bottles were all squirted on the bag.  After the story ended I asked the kids what the purpose of the excercise was and one of the 3 boys in the class spoke up and explained that it represented how behaviors keep building up, adding up and pretty soon your life is a mess. 

We talked about how no relationship is perfect, but that the key is to be aware of the behaviors and if you see them happening to talk about them and prevent them from snowballing.  The kids were really engaged in the discussion and loved the excercise, so overall, it was a success. 

Afterwards I handed out a survey and I was blown away by their responses.  Over 50% had seen or experienced physical abuse in teen dating relationships and around 25% had experienced or saw sexual abuse.  The students listed things such as meth, drugs and alcohol in general as being a contributing factor.  This is just a bit of what I found, but it's scary.  I have my work cut out for me I guess. 

Change

Sleepy....   The changes in life have been incredibly wonderful but have me wiped out today.  I love my internship and could not have handpicked a more perfect fit.  I learn copious amounts of information each day and look forward to the next conversation and/ or task assigned.  The agency and community support is awe-inspiring and I leave work empowered each day. 

Even though the change is wonderful, finding the ability to adjust is a little tricky.  It's spring, which means field work season, so each day I've been coming home and jumping in the bobcat or the tractor and working till bedtime.  Last night it was 11:30 before I got to bed and so today I am a little beat.  Stress of farming in the spring has intensified my energy loss today, but I know this too shall pass. 

The kids have been happy, loving the weather and have been playing t-ball and soccer in the yard.  It always brings a smile to my face and to join in for a few minutes when possible.  I look forward to spending more time with them when things calm down around here. 

Overall, the change has been such a positive experience and I couldn't ask for much more.  (Other than a million $ :~)    I am anxious for Lars to come home, for summer activities, to see Eric fly off to see his brother for the first time in 8 years and go to Roger's graduation in NC, to see my sister home from California, to have my family together in just over a week, and to continue on this great journey! 

Memories and a Sounding Board

My first week of work officially ended at noon today as I left for my daughters graduation ceremony.  Overall, I couldn't love my job or co-workers much more!  The plethora of interviews have begun and the community support for the YEP! project is very positive.  My boss has already told me she plans to try keeping me there with a "NICE Salary", which was great to hear.  I've began to create a Powerpoint presentation of the program and it's coming along. I am using pictures, a utube video, and am trying to frame the basic concept so it's clear.  Which started me in thinking...  "The best creations come from a conglomoration of perceptions, thoughts and talents.  I have a blog in which I could post thoughts, ask for opinions, and share some of my work in an effort to create the best model with the most potential for success."    So, I've decided to give it a whirl.  If anyone is interested, I may use this blog at times for a sounding board.  Furthermore, I thought I would start today with a simple interview question that I've been asking in my interview guide.  I would like feedback and so where better to start than here.  

Here it is:  What tools, behaviors, words or activities do you think are most effective in empowering troubled youth? 

The board is open for comments!  And if you have a thought, but are not comfortable sharing on the comments, you can private message me @ crabtree8576@yahoo.com   All of the private messages will be confidential.  If you are comfortable writing on my comment board, please do.  I thank you ahead of time for your input! 

A small disclaimer: I may not use all the ideas or comments so please do not take offense.  However, I will definately take them into consideration and do appreciate any feedback.

   

And todays activity:  Taylor quickly pranced hand in hand with another smiling pony tailed girl through the double columns of anxiously awaiting parents during her Kindergarten graduation today.  She smiled in the second row to the top but took the singing very seriously with her eyes on the instructor to make sure she didn't screw up.  When it was their turn, Taylor and her pony tailed friend cautiously approached the microphone and loudly rhymed a verse about W twins, their part of the alphabet to explain.  Eric and I, the proud parents, watched as she was handed her "diploma" and walked to the edge of the room with all smiles.  As the class quickly marched out with their chests puffed out, I recalled my own Kindergarten graduation with fond memories.  We wore caps and gowns, which are not used anymore, and we sang a song about ducks.  That was the end of the memory...  maybe I'm getting old. 

Whirlwind

WOW!  Incredible how a three letter word can contain so much meaning.  I'll get right to the point; I have fallen in love.  The first day at my new internship may have been a disappointment, but the last two have been anything but!   My second day I was organizing my office; that's right, I have an office, with a desk, a computer, a phone, and a window, and one fabulous roomate!   Anyway, sorry about the distraction, I was organizing and going through all these papers.  I brought them to the director going, "What is this, what do I do with it... etc."  She said that the person previously at the desk resigned and dropped the ball on multiple projects. 

Seeing a glimmer of opportunity I said, "Would you like me to take on this project?"  which was responded to by a "Would you like to take them on?"   Me:  "I would love to do this!"  

So, I am the researcher, developer, grant writer, community organizer and facilitator of the new up and coming Youth Empowerment Project (YEP!)  in Park Rapids, MN.  I have found a fabulous model to base it off of, have set up multiple meetings with professionals in the school and the community, have researched and developed interview guides, have met more people than I can remember names for, and have been running to every meeting you can think of in the last two days. 

In addition, I brought a meat and cheese tray, with cheese from our creamery, and crackers and crab dip to work today.  It was yummy! 

Overall, I am going to get exactly what I was hoping for:  project development and management, grant writing, community education and collaboration, and working with one great agency.  I couldn't be happier with my decision at the moment.  Furthermore, two possible job openings were mentioned, tentatively offered, to me today.  One is at the agency and the other with the Hubbard County Drug and Alcohol Task Force.   Who knows where life might lead me yet!

Interning 101

My first day of my internship, anxious as a ball of nerves, worried me that I may do something dissapointing or embarassing.  I was so worried that I never thought about the fact that I may be dissapointed, which was the case.  It is only day one, so I'm giving the agency the benefit of the doubt, but I could've been back in 3rd grade with the projects I completed. 

I didn't really know what to expect but suspected the first few days would be more job shadowing and learning what everyone does in the agency.  Nope.   After a couple cups of coffee and listening to chit chat, I had the opportunity to fold copious amounts of newsletters, tape them shut, and sort them by zip code.  Exciting! 
I know, it has to be done, but really?   After I completed the project, I was given another mind boggling task.  Find statistics on domestic violence, blow them up in Microsoft Word and cite them, print them, cut them out and glue them onto pretty bright colored paper. 
These were for the public forum we held last night and were taped around the room.  I know that the busy work has to get done, but I guess that it wasn't what I expected to be doing, at all.   I certianly don't bring experience and 4 years of schooling to the plate just to fold and cut out papers.  We will see what today brings, and I have faith that it was just "the day", so lets hope. 

The public forum yesterday evening went well though, other than a poor attendance.  The info. was great though!  Video presented was on what domestic violence is, how to recognize it, what the impact is,  why peope don't leave the situation, and how to help them.  Good stuff!

 As far as attendence goes, in my experience, if you are not out at agencies and interacting one on one trying to pull people in to these types of things, they don't come.  You can advertise on the radio and newspaper all you want, but to get small town locals to attend, its more about relationship building and pulling on those strings.  I may do some research on this today though, and see what info. is out there about it. 
I suppose I better get moving though.  Off to the races for day 2!

Day One

First day of my internship begins today!  I am frightfully nervous, which is to be expected I guess.  After doing virtually the same job for 10 years, beginning something new, as a professional now, scares the daylights out of me.  I keep trying to use some positive mental reinforcement and picture how great things will go, but I keep picturing myself tripping over the door, spilling coffee all over myself, and sounding like a bumbling idiot.  Why is that???

I know I will be fine, the day will be fabulous, and that this is just the beggining to a new world of knowledge.  I have my lunch packed, two cans of pop, fresh coffee for the trip, a whole lot of nerves, and a smile ready to go.  I could use a little prayer though, so if you have some time... I'd appreciate it!

Little Girls!

"Newly six year old daughter for sale!" 

Each morning I wake up at 6:45 when my alarm clock (Eric calling me from the barn) rings and it's time for Taylor to get ready for school.   This is the most dreadful and excruciating part of the day.   I wake up in a good mood, praying as I walk to her room, that she will arise from the "right" side of the bed.  This morning, like many, that was a no go... 

It begins with me saying nicely, "Honey, it's time to wake up and get ready to go to school" then onto, "You need to get up now" and finally, "Alright, lets go" as I turn her legs to the edge of the bed and pull her up to a standing position.  By this time the whining is full force. 

I begin to console and explain that we have to go to school and how fun the morning can be if we can be good.  Then comes the hunt for clothes.  Ikes!  If I pick out her clothes, she hates them.  In addition, she likes to pick out the clothes that she knows she's not allowed to wear to school.  Like the purple skirt that is a little to short, the black nylon skirt which she would wear every day if I let her, the blue leggings with the hole in the knee, or the stained up t-shirt that she claims matches her pants so well.  I just can't win...

Needless to say, it takes almost 15 minutes just for her to pick out clothes, and usually they are intense as the argument ensues.  I explain that she can't wear something for whatever reason and the whining starts again.  I loose my patience and end up picking out pants or a shirt or whatever and she throws herself into bed and cries, "I don't even like that shirt!"   As steam rolls out of my ears, I find myself reminding myself to be patient, kind and understanding as I say, "Fine, you can go naked then!" 

Of course, by 7:10 am she is always dressed and ready to go give dad a kiss and a hug before the bus comes, but I just wish it would be easier.  This morning I explained how we are going to go to bed earlier in order to improve our attitude, which of course led to more whining.   We'll give it a whirl and see if that's the issue... maybe it is and maybe it's not.   

What really rubs it in is when Brady climbs out of bed when I am waking Taylor up and says "Good morning Mom, I missed you and I love you!  Where's dad?  Can I go to the barn?"  I think my little girl might be the death of me! 

Change of P(e)ace

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face for the first time in over a good week.  It felt great!  I helped Taylor get ready for school, as she insisted on a new lime green shorts and matching shirt from Grandma Mary, blue flip flops, a sparkling purple headband and a light blue sweat jacket to wear to school.  I didn't argue too much; it is nice out, and I know I did the same things as a child.  Just being able to wear summer clothes makes a person feel better some times, so I let it pass.

We strolled through the wet grass to go wait for the bus and Taylor's feet were covered  with dew.  She said, "Look mom it rained last night and now my feet are wet."  After giggling I explained to her how the grass gets dewy, and that it's not from rain.  Then she asked if snakes make the grass grow.  (this stemmed from yesterdays conversation as she said that God should kill all the snakes and I told her that everything God creates has a purpose)  I felt sort of silly at that moment as I couldn't come up with a stunning answer like I did for explaining the dew, so "I'm not really sure" seemed to work.  Now I guess I have something to google...  

After a kiss, a hug and an "I love you, have a good day at school", she flip flopped to the bus and I watched as they pulled away.  As I turned around I started to think about our, "hurry, hurry, hurry...  mom has 80 million things to do... stress, stress, stress... crabby, crabby, crabby" days that seemed to be getting all to normal.  Today I have a couple pages of a paper left to write and it will be my last one.  The stress is gone completely and not only do I notice how much better I feel, but also how my peace of mind has such an effect on my behavior and that relates to how well, or how bad, the morning could have gone.  Of course I knew this to be true before, but sometimes in all the madness in life, we forget. 

I am exstatic to say, "I am done with school", but I am happier to have my life back, my sanity back, and time for my family back.  Last night we all went for a walk on the trail that extends across our land at dusk, we saw around 20 deer, some of whom were only 50 yards away, listened to the frogs in the pond, and watched the cows rapidly run up to the fence thinking there was feed involved in the venture.  Seeing my daughters smiling face this morning, watching Brady excitedly get dressed to go out to the barn to see his dad and his puppy, and knowing I could come in and just relax if I want to, and spend the afternoon with all of them is the most peaceful feeling in the world.  It feels great to be "back"! 

All of this leads back to self-care, which is what I've been missing.  Many parts of the wheel have been gone for some time since I've been in school, but as of yesterday, my wheel will be complete once again.  When I feel good, so does my family.   What does your wheel look like?