I've been trying to console myself, feeling pretty self absorbed in my own anger, fear and sorrows this week. But, watching season two of Little House on the Prairie and listening to a family talk about how loosing their home was insignificant as they were able to live in America, the land of freedoms, facilitated a substantial emotional impact on me. Thoughts of, "How could they be so positive in such a dire situation?" lead to, "They're right. It's never over. It's never too late to make a new start. We are fortunate to live here and experience freedoms when many are never allowed the opportunity!" A wake up call...
After over three years of battling the forces of nature, unforseen disasters, a monetary recession, rising costs of living and business and trying to raise a family and simply survive, our farming expedition is coming to an end. The battle of values, ethics and survival now hinges upon our minds and the outcome may lead to loosing our home. What is the honorable thing- to sell out everything and hope to make enough to pay everyone off. Is it realistic- probably not. What is the selfish thing- claim bankruptcy and not care if others are affected knowing we might be able to keep our home. Values and ethics.... why can't this be easier.
Finding peace with a decision has been difficult for Eric and I. There is no easy out and there is no consoling answers. Looking ahead to try to grasp onto some sense of resiliency is difficult. As I think about the situation I find myself humbled. Looking forward to the opportunity to start over, improving our lives through a new faucet, remembering our freedoms and grabbing onto all the hope we can needs to take precedent.
Conjumbled feelings, emotions and thoughts can lead to regretable decision making, so how do we make decisions regarding life at these times and what is right? I find myself pondering on this; waiting for some grandiose idea or option to hit me, but it hasn't.
While God is carrying us through this time in our life, I think about his footsteps in the sand and wonder which way they are leading. Either way, I know that he will keep my family safe, housed, fed, clean, educated, free to speak and write and much more. Wherever the path may lead, I pray for understanding, healing and guidance for my family and am thankful for all that I have.
Values are not about land, business, pride or money... they are about love, humility, freedom and faith.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
New Horizons
Updating my blog has not been my stong point this past 6 months, so I appologize for that. However, I thought I had better follow up after my previous post.
First off, thank you for all the prayers! I can't express how appreciated they are, and they have paid off. On Monday we met with our farm service agency representative, who is a wizard or should be anyway, and he put the options on the table. To get right to the point, they are going to work with us. This gives us the opportunity to keep the farm and turn things around. Wonderful, right!?!
So, my mom always taught me to see the good in everything. Even though the time period before this was really emotional, frightening, and stressful, it gave me the opportunity to do some really deep thinking which I appreciate. Bottom line: there will be some new changes on the horizon.
I am definately a goal setter, however, I think we all get to a point where once we achieve our goals that we set out for we get a little stagnant if we don't sit down and restructure. I realized that in the last 6 months or so I had become stagnant and so has my husband, career wise. After graduating from college and finding a job, I didn't sit down and reformat what comes next. My husband fell into the same trend as well. The good news is that almost loosing the farm revived us from this state and now we have been able to reorganize and restructure.
Setting new goals for myself, my family, and our careers is like breathing in fresh spring air. It's revitalizing, it reminds you that things will begin to grow soon, and it's the beginning of something beautiful. With some short term and long term goals drawn out, with steps on how to get there, we are on our way again. The weight lifted off my shoulders feels fabulous, and I feel renewed.
With new horizons ahead, we are on our way.
First off, thank you for all the prayers! I can't express how appreciated they are, and they have paid off. On Monday we met with our farm service agency representative, who is a wizard or should be anyway, and he put the options on the table. To get right to the point, they are going to work with us. This gives us the opportunity to keep the farm and turn things around. Wonderful, right!?!
So, my mom always taught me to see the good in everything. Even though the time period before this was really emotional, frightening, and stressful, it gave me the opportunity to do some really deep thinking which I appreciate. Bottom line: there will be some new changes on the horizon.
I am definately a goal setter, however, I think we all get to a point where once we achieve our goals that we set out for we get a little stagnant if we don't sit down and restructure. I realized that in the last 6 months or so I had become stagnant and so has my husband, career wise. After graduating from college and finding a job, I didn't sit down and reformat what comes next. My husband fell into the same trend as well. The good news is that almost loosing the farm revived us from this state and now we have been able to reorganize and restructure.
Setting new goals for myself, my family, and our careers is like breathing in fresh spring air. It's revitalizing, it reminds you that things will begin to grow soon, and it's the beginning of something beautiful. With some short term and long term goals drawn out, with steps on how to get there, we are on our way again. The weight lifted off my shoulders feels fabulous, and I feel renewed.
With new horizons ahead, we are on our way.
Friday, January 20, 2012
How do you prepare to change your life?
How do you prepare to change your life? I've contemplated this question often lately. Changing your culture, part of your being, what regulates your schedule, your family, your values and ethics, and your pocket book. Dairy farming is much more than a career, it's a culture of its own, a lifestyle, a story. It started with a dream, a creation of something much bigger than a job or a few pennies in the pocket; like trying to create a garden exploding with foliage but with only the seeds of hope and determination. Our dreams became a reality four years ago, and now it feels as if someone is burning the blueprint we created in front of our own eyes.
We had no illusions going into the dairy industry. We knew full well how much work, time and effort it would be. Money was not an expectation, but there was hope that there would be enough to survive. Despite the downfalls of the dairy, the farm has been a blessing. My children have learned responsibility, work ethics, have more knowledge in their little heads- anything from breeding cows, how to care for calves, to what type of chemicals we use to clean the barn lines- and have had priveleges that only a farm child can truly appreciate. I see the pride and happiness that my husband has experienced, the hard work he has put into all areas of the farm, and remember the day we inscribed "The Crabtree Farm" into the concrete we poured. Now his pride, self-esteem, and hope fade each day. My own experience on the farm has exacerbated that of any job I could ever find as well, yet lately at the end of each day the barn floor catches my tears.
After three years of unpredictable disasters beyond our control, which have compiled and caused utter chaos, I find myself trying to prepare for change. We have one very small hope that we can continue, but it's about as big as a sliver in a pile of sawdust. However, I am still praying and won't give up hope.
But for now these questions plague my mind: How do I help my family, how do we prepare, what do we do, how does this work...? With an uncertain future ahead, I have a very heavy heart. When I ask these questions the first thought that comes to my mind is prayer. All I pray for is for some peace for my family, to show us which way to go, and to guide us in that direction. So, for anyone out there, please pray for my family.
We had no illusions going into the dairy industry. We knew full well how much work, time and effort it would be. Money was not an expectation, but there was hope that there would be enough to survive. Despite the downfalls of the dairy, the farm has been a blessing. My children have learned responsibility, work ethics, have more knowledge in their little heads- anything from breeding cows, how to care for calves, to what type of chemicals we use to clean the barn lines- and have had priveleges that only a farm child can truly appreciate. I see the pride and happiness that my husband has experienced, the hard work he has put into all areas of the farm, and remember the day we inscribed "The Crabtree Farm" into the concrete we poured. Now his pride, self-esteem, and hope fade each day. My own experience on the farm has exacerbated that of any job I could ever find as well, yet lately at the end of each day the barn floor catches my tears.
After three years of unpredictable disasters beyond our control, which have compiled and caused utter chaos, I find myself trying to prepare for change. We have one very small hope that we can continue, but it's about as big as a sliver in a pile of sawdust. However, I am still praying and won't give up hope.
But for now these questions plague my mind: How do I help my family, how do we prepare, what do we do, how does this work...? With an uncertain future ahead, I have a very heavy heart. When I ask these questions the first thought that comes to my mind is prayer. All I pray for is for some peace for my family, to show us which way to go, and to guide us in that direction. So, for anyone out there, please pray for my family.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
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Monday, June 6, 2011
NEW Women's Leadership
In June 2010 I had the opportunity to attend a 5 day seminar called the NEW Women's Leadership Institute which was one of the most inspirational times of my life. I was surrounded by some of the most fabulous women I have ever met, the motivation to change the world could be felt on all levels, and the passion that the women had could be felt while they spoke. This year I was asked to come and speak as an outstanding alumni to share my story, what I have done since last year, and to share some advice with this years attendance. I was extremely nervous as I kept reciting words in my head, trying to make sense of my life and its direction so that I could share it with others.
I sat on a panel with five other alumni, all attendants from 2008, 2006 or 2004, which made me feel slightly insecure as they were all on quite a path. My accomplishments felt like didly compared to the executive director, the woman working for the state doing amazing grassroots work, and the woman who is making waves for GLBT rights through grassroots movements as well. However, as I sat there I just thought, "Everyone has a story... I just graduated and just attended last year... where will I be in five years? Maybe doing similar things as they are?" and I became comfortable with myself.
I stood up to speak, stood behind the podium for a second, explained my hatred of podiums as they feel so restricting and stepped in front of it to share my story. I began with a nervous joke, thanks to my husband, and began to share my story of being a teenage mom, struggling through an unhealthy teen/ early adult relationship, barely making it through my first year of college, but never giving up my dream. I skipped years and talked about moving to Frazee because there was a pretty lake, meeting my husband, having my family, creating our own dairy farm, and attending college once again. College is what led me to the seminar and I am ever so grateful. I shared how it changed my perspective of seeing myself as someone without the ability to make changes since I was a "nobody" to seeing how anyone can make changes if they are willing to try. Creating and capturing opportunities is all it takes. Instead of walking away or staying quiet when someone is speaking about an interest of yours, speak up.
I sat on a panel with five other alumni, all attendants from 2008, 2006 or 2004, which made me feel slightly insecure as they were all on quite a path. My accomplishments felt like didly compared to the executive director, the woman working for the state doing amazing grassroots work, and the woman who is making waves for GLBT rights through grassroots movements as well. However, as I sat there I just thought, "Everyone has a story... I just graduated and just attended last year... where will I be in five years? Maybe doing similar things as they are?" and I became comfortable with myself. I stood up to speak, stood behind the podium for a second, explained my hatred of podiums as they feel so restricting and stepped in front of it to share my story. I began with a nervous joke, thanks to my husband, and began to share my story of being a teenage mom, struggling through an unhealthy teen/ early adult relationship, barely making it through my first year of college, but never giving up my dream. I skipped years and talked about moving to Frazee because there was a pretty lake, meeting my husband, having my family, creating our own dairy farm, and attending college once again. College is what led me to the seminar and I am ever so grateful. I shared how it changed my perspective of seeing myself as someone without the ability to make changes since I was a "nobody" to seeing how anyone can make changes if they are willing to try. Creating and capturing opportunities is all it takes. Instead of walking away or staying quiet when someone is speaking about an interest of yours, speak up.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Teen Presentation
A room full of 9-12 graders, a cut open garbage bag, 15 bottles of condiments, a computer and a script wer used to fill a good portion of my afternoon yesterday. I had to give a presentation in the high school to 20 students on teen dating violence. The powerpoint presentation itself was good, I had a couple great utube videos to support it. The kids were engaged and participated in the discussion throughout and only one was sleeping. I thought that was successful!
I had taken an idea from my mother's 7th grade religious ed. class (Thanks Mom!) from years ago and revamped it to fit to domestic violence. I wrote a script involving two dating teenagers, a narrator and a voice. The 4 kids read the script and as the male's words or actions represent a negative behavior, or the female would behave in a certain way, the voice would say a word. Each student had a bottle with a word on it, such as "threatening", "verbal abuse" or "intimidation", and when their word was called they walked over to the garbage bag and squirted the bottle on it. As the story went on, the negative behaviors intensified, and the 15 bottles were all squirted on the bag. After the story ended I asked the kids what the purpose of the excercise was and one of the 3 boys in the class spoke up and explained that it represented how behaviors keep building up, adding up and pretty soon your life is a mess.
We talked about how no relationship is perfect, but that the key is to be aware of the behaviors and if you see them happening to talk about them and prevent them from snowballing. The kids were really engaged in the discussion and loved the excercise, so overall, it was a success.
Afterwards I handed out a survey and I was blown away by their responses. Over 50% had seen or experienced physical abuse in teen dating relationships and around 25% had experienced or saw sexual abuse. The students listed things such as meth, drugs and alcohol in general as being a contributing factor. This is just a bit of what I found, but it's scary. I have my work cut out for me I guess.
I had taken an idea from my mother's 7th grade religious ed. class (Thanks Mom!) from years ago and revamped it to fit to domestic violence. I wrote a script involving two dating teenagers, a narrator and a voice. The 4 kids read the script and as the male's words or actions represent a negative behavior, or the female would behave in a certain way, the voice would say a word. Each student had a bottle with a word on it, such as "threatening", "verbal abuse" or "intimidation", and when their word was called they walked over to the garbage bag and squirted the bottle on it. As the story went on, the negative behaviors intensified, and the 15 bottles were all squirted on the bag. After the story ended I asked the kids what the purpose of the excercise was and one of the 3 boys in the class spoke up and explained that it represented how behaviors keep building up, adding up and pretty soon your life is a mess.
We talked about how no relationship is perfect, but that the key is to be aware of the behaviors and if you see them happening to talk about them and prevent them from snowballing. The kids were really engaged in the discussion and loved the excercise, so overall, it was a success.
Afterwards I handed out a survey and I was blown away by their responses. Over 50% had seen or experienced physical abuse in teen dating relationships and around 25% had experienced or saw sexual abuse. The students listed things such as meth, drugs and alcohol in general as being a contributing factor. This is just a bit of what I found, but it's scary. I have my work cut out for me I guess.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Change
Sleepy.... The changes in life have been incredibly wonderful but have me wiped out today. I love my internship and could not have handpicked a more perfect fit. I learn copious amounts of information each day and look forward to the next conversation and/ or task assigned. The agency and community support is awe-inspiring and I leave work empowered each day.
Even though the change is wonderful, finding the ability to adjust is a little tricky. It's spring, which means field work season, so each day I've been coming home and jumping in the bobcat or the tractor and working till bedtime. Last night it was 11:30 before I got to bed and so today I am a little beat. Stress of farming in the spring has intensified my energy loss today, but I know this too shall pass.
The kids have been happy, loving the weather and have been playing t-ball and soccer in the yard. It always brings a smile to my face and to join in for a few minutes when possible. I look forward to spending more time with them when things calm down around here.
Overall, the change has been such a positive experience and I couldn't ask for much more. (Other than a million $ :~) I am anxious for Lars to come home, for summer activities, to see Eric fly off to see his brother for the first time in 8 years and go to Roger's graduation in NC, to see my sister home from California, to have my family together in just over a week, and to continue on this great journey!
Even though the change is wonderful, finding the ability to adjust is a little tricky. It's spring, which means field work season, so each day I've been coming home and jumping in the bobcat or the tractor and working till bedtime. Last night it was 11:30 before I got to bed and so today I am a little beat. Stress of farming in the spring has intensified my energy loss today, but I know this too shall pass.
The kids have been happy, loving the weather and have been playing t-ball and soccer in the yard. It always brings a smile to my face and to join in for a few minutes when possible. I look forward to spending more time with them when things calm down around here.
Overall, the change has been such a positive experience and I couldn't ask for much more. (Other than a million $ :~) I am anxious for Lars to come home, for summer activities, to see Eric fly off to see his brother for the first time in 8 years and go to Roger's graduation in NC, to see my sister home from California, to have my family together in just over a week, and to continue on this great journey!
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