Geeky

My last post, even though very heartfelt at the moment, was pretty pitiful.   Moving on!

My geeky side comes out occasionally, well, if you asked my husband it would be quite often actually.  I love to research complex theories, I always try to figure out human behavior as I find it fascinating (including my own), I obsess over getting a 4.0, and I over analyze concepts and strategies.   I've learned to embrace and appreciate my geekiness though.   I have become skilled at setting goals, creating strategies of implementation and accomplishing them.  When I am feeling down and out, I strategize.  Well, first I cry, then I strategize.   Hence the change from the "I feel like a dissapointment" to the "I am ready to save the world!" attitude.  The hole in my invisible superwoman cape; it's now stitched and like new!
So, what does my strategy look like?   I'll share.   This helps me to stay accountable too.
Strategy # 1.  Prioritize my goals.   What is important to me, what can I let go, and what do I want to keep?
     a) my family
     b) finishing my Master's
     c) my volunteer work
     d) a job
     e) be healthy

Normally work would come before b & c, but there is a reason for the madness.   In reality, I find my volunteer work very rewarding.   It's part of living my mission, to make communities and individuals better, so for me it's something I won't give up.   I will give up time at work first.   My Master's is also a life long dream and will get me farther down the line.  I've invested too much to look back now.

Strategy # 2. Plan of action.    What do I need to do to find balance so I can focus on my family as that's the first priority, finish my Master's, still volunteer, and still work?

        a)  New job accepted: less hours with similar salary = still providing for my family,but with more time to spend with family,  to complete homework and still volunteer.
        b) Step back and recoup- I volunteer a lot.   I'm the VP of a non-profit board where we are working intensely on planning, I am a Girl Scout Leader for my daughters troop, I have been the lead fundraiser for my son's Robotics team to attend the World Championship, and the list goes on to seasonal events as well.  I need to take a little time to recoup, restructure, and then can return with some renewed energy.   When I'm not good, my work is not good and therefore is not helpful.   I want to be helpful.
        c) Finish my Master's: there is no time to slack now.  I have invested time and money, and I need to finish.   One year left until freedom!    I need to be able to stay focused.
        d) Organize:  one of the biggest reasons for failure is the lack of organization, which can have a domino effect.   Meal planning, time regulation, and my calendar are important to keep up.
        e) In order to accomplish goals, it's important to feel well both physically and mentally.   I started a healthy eating regimen last week and have done amazingly well.   At my new job my office is right by the fitness room, and I am going to join a relative for Zumba at least once per week.   I will feel human again!
        f) Maintain progress:  By checking in with my family and myself monthly I can make sure I am living up to my plan.  They help keep me in line.

Strategy #3. Be happy.  Life is too short.   How can I focus more on being positive?
       a) maintain standards of a sober household.   Since my husband quit drinking, there is a definite positive change.   I need to hold him accountable to uphold that and be strong enough to enforce it.
       b) Be grateful and remind myself daily of what I am grateful for.  Pray, give thanks and celebrate!   Life can be taken for granted easily.   I don't want to take anything for granted, and it's easy to do.   I will make myself a sign to put on my dresser that reminds me to say something each day that I am grateful for.
       c) Relax.  I usually am so busy that I don't take much time for myself, I need to do that more often.  I will plan one evening per month to get together with a friend or family to bake, cook, play cards or something.  Also, at least once a week we will have a game night with the kids.   I will put up a sheet on the fridge to mark who chose the game, what  it was, whose turn is next and this will serve as a reminder to make sure I take the time to do it.

Strategy #4. There is no strategy # 4.   But it's open in case I need one.

Life as I know it.

   

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Do you ever wake up and wonder, "What am I doing?"   When I was a child I wanted to live in rural Roseau, MN FOREVER!   I also wanted to be a veterinarian.   Hmmm...  how things change.   I could care less to ever live in Roseau again and I have a strong aversion to science, especially chemistry.   But, that is really off topic here.   I tend to write as it guides me, and helps me to think clearer.  It also is my way of healing when I really feel off kilter.  That is the purpose today.  

 Life changes.  Down one path, up the other.  A sharp left, climb the stairs and fall down backwards.   Up the elevator to the third door on the left side of the right hallway. All these curve balls... Sometimes wonderful, sometimes very difficult

I usually wear an invisible superwoman cape and try to save the world.   But, I found a gaping hole in it some time ago.  So, I sat down and analyzed my situation.     1. My husband was a severe alcoholic.  2. The more he drank the more I wanted to drink just to deal with it  3. I didn't feel healthy- physically or mentally.  4.  We needed to claim bankruptcy due to the debt from the farm as it would take me a lifetime to repay it.  5.  I constantly was finding "projects or things" to distract me from home.  6.  I became behind in my homework constantly  7. I was not being as attentive as a parent as I should be

(Every year I do some self analysis and it is a good, but difficult thing to do as you don't always like what you find)

So what did I do?  Set goals, made a family plan and implemented.
1. No alcohol- we now have a sober home.
2. Become healthier- better food choices, exercise, positive self-talk, lean on my support system.
3.  Finish taxes, hire a lawyer and get it done
4.  Set limits.  Be home more so I can be attentive to my husband and my kids.
5. Be more organized with my time so I have time for homework and am not stressed about falling behind


A job opening came about that would support being home more, being healthier and happier in my career, would assist me in setting limits and being more organized with my time.   I accepted.   Great, right!?!     Yet, when I put in my notice and talked to my coworker and boss about it I cried like a baby.  So what is my issue?

I know I tend to be an overachiever.  Even though this can be a good thing, it can also feel like catastrophe when things aren't going well.

I feel like for the first time in a long time, even though I have set my goals and know that this will be a positive change, that I am a disappointment.  There is nothing worse (in my mind) than being a disappointment.  I remember being a kid and the worst possible feeling in the world was disappointing my parents.   That fear hasn't changed much, but now it extends beyond my parents.

Setting limits means I can't help others and volunteer as much as I like.  It means that I feel weak, which I hate.  Claiming bankruptcy feels like failure.  Taking a step back means that I'm not doing a good enough job.  Overall, I feel like a disaster scene.  Hence the feeling of waking up to, "What am I doing?".

I know the steps of healing, what to do, how to do it etc.  I know that I am going through a phase due to the difficult situation.  So, today my step is writing about my feelings so I can move on.

I know that I will bounce back and be just as strong as ever once again; my superwoman cape is repairable after all.