Life as I know it.

   

.

Do you ever wake up and wonder, "What am I doing?"   When I was a child I wanted to live in rural Roseau, MN FOREVER!   I also wanted to be a veterinarian.   Hmmm...  how things change.   I could care less to ever live in Roseau again and I have a strong aversion to science, especially chemistry.   But, that is really off topic here.   I tend to write as it guides me, and helps me to think clearer.  It also is my way of healing when I really feel off kilter.  That is the purpose today.  

 Life changes.  Down one path, up the other.  A sharp left, climb the stairs and fall down backwards.   Up the elevator to the third door on the left side of the right hallway. All these curve balls... Sometimes wonderful, sometimes very difficult

I usually wear an invisible superwoman cape and try to save the world.   But, I found a gaping hole in it some time ago.  So, I sat down and analyzed my situation.     1. My husband was a severe alcoholic.  2. The more he drank the more I wanted to drink just to deal with it  3. I didn't feel healthy- physically or mentally.  4.  We needed to claim bankruptcy due to the debt from the farm as it would take me a lifetime to repay it.  5.  I constantly was finding "projects or things" to distract me from home.  6.  I became behind in my homework constantly  7. I was not being as attentive as a parent as I should be

(Every year I do some self analysis and it is a good, but difficult thing to do as you don't always like what you find)

So what did I do?  Set goals, made a family plan and implemented.
1. No alcohol- we now have a sober home.
2. Become healthier- better food choices, exercise, positive self-talk, lean on my support system.
3.  Finish taxes, hire a lawyer and get it done
4.  Set limits.  Be home more so I can be attentive to my husband and my kids.
5. Be more organized with my time so I have time for homework and am not stressed about falling behind


A job opening came about that would support being home more, being healthier and happier in my career, would assist me in setting limits and being more organized with my time.   I accepted.   Great, right!?!     Yet, when I put in my notice and talked to my coworker and boss about it I cried like a baby.  So what is my issue?

I know I tend to be an overachiever.  Even though this can be a good thing, it can also feel like catastrophe when things aren't going well.

I feel like for the first time in a long time, even though I have set my goals and know that this will be a positive change, that I am a disappointment.  There is nothing worse (in my mind) than being a disappointment.  I remember being a kid and the worst possible feeling in the world was disappointing my parents.   That fear hasn't changed much, but now it extends beyond my parents.

Setting limits means I can't help others and volunteer as much as I like.  It means that I feel weak, which I hate.  Claiming bankruptcy feels like failure.  Taking a step back means that I'm not doing a good enough job.  Overall, I feel like a disaster scene.  Hence the feeling of waking up to, "What am I doing?".

I know the steps of healing, what to do, how to do it etc.  I know that I am going through a phase due to the difficult situation.  So, today my step is writing about my feelings so I can move on.

I know that I will bounce back and be just as strong as ever once again; my superwoman cape is repairable after all.