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NEW Women's Leadership

In June 2010 I had the opportunity to attend a 5 day seminar called the NEW Women's Leadership Institute which was one of the most inspirational times of my life.  I was surrounded by some of the most fabulous women I have ever met, the motivation to change the world could be felt on all levels, and the passion that the women had could be felt while they spoke.  This year I was asked to come and speak as an outstanding alumni to share my story, what I have done since last year, and to share some advice with this years attendance.  I was extremely nervous as I kept reciting words in my head, trying to make sense of my life and its direction so that I could share it with others. 

    I sat on a panel with five other alumni, all attendants from 2008, 2006 or 2004, which made me feel slightly insecure as they were all on quite a path.  My accomplishments felt like didly compared to the executive director, the woman working for the state doing amazing grassroots work, and the woman who is making waves for GLBT rights through grassroots movements as well.  However, as I sat there I just thought, "Everyone has a story... I just graduated and just attended last year... where will I be in five years?  Maybe doing similar things as they are?"  and I became comfortable with myself. 

I stood up to speak, stood behind the podium for a second, explained my hatred of podiums as they feel so restricting and stepped in front of it to share my story.  I began with a nervous joke, thanks to my husband, and began to share my story of being a teenage mom, struggling through an unhealthy teen/ early adult relationship, barely making it through my first year of college, but never giving up my dream.  I skipped years and talked about moving to Frazee because there was a pretty lake, meeting my husband, having my family, creating our own dairy farm, and attending college once again.  College is what led me to the seminar and I am ever so grateful.  I shared how it changed my perspective of seeing myself as someone without the ability to make changes since I was a "nobody" to seeing how anyone can make changes if they are willing to try.  Creating and capturing opportunities is all it takes.  Instead of walking away or staying quiet when someone is speaking about an interest of yours, speak up.

Teen Presentation

A room full of 9-12 graders, a cut open garbage bag, 15 bottles of condiments, a computer and a script wer used to fill a good portion of my afternoon yesterday.  I had to give a presentation in the high school to 20 students on teen dating violence.  The powerpoint presentation itself was good, I had a couple great utube videos to support it.  The kids were engaged and participated in the discussion throughout and only one was sleeping.  I thought that was successful!  

I had taken an idea from my mother's 7th grade religious ed. class (Thanks Mom!)  from years ago and revamped it to fit to domestic violence.  I wrote a script involving two dating teenagers, a narrator and a voice.  The 4 kids read the script and as the male's words or actions represent a negative behavior, or the female would behave in a certain way, the voice would say a word.  Each student had a bottle with a word on it, such as "threatening", "verbal abuse" or "intimidation", and when their word was called they walked over to the garbage bag and squirted the bottle on it.  As the story went on, the negative behaviors intensified, and the 15 bottles were all squirted on the bag.  After the story ended I asked the kids what the purpose of the excercise was and one of the 3 boys in the class spoke up and explained that it represented how behaviors keep building up, adding up and pretty soon your life is a mess. 

We talked about how no relationship is perfect, but that the key is to be aware of the behaviors and if you see them happening to talk about them and prevent them from snowballing.  The kids were really engaged in the discussion and loved the excercise, so overall, it was a success. 

Afterwards I handed out a survey and I was blown away by their responses.  Over 50% had seen or experienced physical abuse in teen dating relationships and around 25% had experienced or saw sexual abuse.  The students listed things such as meth, drugs and alcohol in general as being a contributing factor.  This is just a bit of what I found, but it's scary.  I have my work cut out for me I guess. 

Change

Sleepy....   The changes in life have been incredibly wonderful but have me wiped out today.  I love my internship and could not have handpicked a more perfect fit.  I learn copious amounts of information each day and look forward to the next conversation and/ or task assigned.  The agency and community support is awe-inspiring and I leave work empowered each day. 

Even though the change is wonderful, finding the ability to adjust is a little tricky.  It's spring, which means field work season, so each day I've been coming home and jumping in the bobcat or the tractor and working till bedtime.  Last night it was 11:30 before I got to bed and so today I am a little beat.  Stress of farming in the spring has intensified my energy loss today, but I know this too shall pass. 

The kids have been happy, loving the weather and have been playing t-ball and soccer in the yard.  It always brings a smile to my face and to join in for a few minutes when possible.  I look forward to spending more time with them when things calm down around here. 

Overall, the change has been such a positive experience and I couldn't ask for much more.  (Other than a million $ :~)    I am anxious for Lars to come home, for summer activities, to see Eric fly off to see his brother for the first time in 8 years and go to Roger's graduation in NC, to see my sister home from California, to have my family together in just over a week, and to continue on this great journey! 

Memories and a Sounding Board

My first week of work officially ended at noon today as I left for my daughters graduation ceremony.  Overall, I couldn't love my job or co-workers much more!  The plethora of interviews have begun and the community support for the YEP! project is very positive.  My boss has already told me she plans to try keeping me there with a "NICE Salary", which was great to hear.  I've began to create a Powerpoint presentation of the program and it's coming along. I am using pictures, a utube video, and am trying to frame the basic concept so it's clear.  Which started me in thinking...  "The best creations come from a conglomoration of perceptions, thoughts and talents.  I have a blog in which I could post thoughts, ask for opinions, and share some of my work in an effort to create the best model with the most potential for success."    So, I've decided to give it a whirl.  If anyone is interested, I may use this blog at times for a sounding board.  Furthermore, I thought I would start today with a simple interview question that I've been asking in my interview guide.  I would like feedback and so where better to start than here.  

Here it is:  What tools, behaviors, words or activities do you think are most effective in empowering troubled youth? 

The board is open for comments!  And if you have a thought, but are not comfortable sharing on the comments, you can private message me @ crabtree8576@yahoo.com   All of the private messages will be confidential.  If you are comfortable writing on my comment board, please do.  I thank you ahead of time for your input! 

A small disclaimer: I may not use all the ideas or comments so please do not take offense.  However, I will definately take them into consideration and do appreciate any feedback.

   

And todays activity:  Taylor quickly pranced hand in hand with another smiling pony tailed girl through the double columns of anxiously awaiting parents during her Kindergarten graduation today.  She smiled in the second row to the top but took the singing very seriously with her eyes on the instructor to make sure she didn't screw up.  When it was their turn, Taylor and her pony tailed friend cautiously approached the microphone and loudly rhymed a verse about W twins, their part of the alphabet to explain.  Eric and I, the proud parents, watched as she was handed her "diploma" and walked to the edge of the room with all smiles.  As the class quickly marched out with their chests puffed out, I recalled my own Kindergarten graduation with fond memories.  We wore caps and gowns, which are not used anymore, and we sang a song about ducks.  That was the end of the memory...  maybe I'm getting old. 

Whirlwind

WOW!  Incredible how a three letter word can contain so much meaning.  I'll get right to the point; I have fallen in love.  The first day at my new internship may have been a disappointment, but the last two have been anything but!   My second day I was organizing my office; that's right, I have an office, with a desk, a computer, a phone, and a window, and one fabulous roomate!   Anyway, sorry about the distraction, I was organizing and going through all these papers.  I brought them to the director going, "What is this, what do I do with it... etc."  She said that the person previously at the desk resigned and dropped the ball on multiple projects. 

Seeing a glimmer of opportunity I said, "Would you like me to take on this project?"  which was responded to by a "Would you like to take them on?"   Me:  "I would love to do this!"  

So, I am the researcher, developer, grant writer, community organizer and facilitator of the new up and coming Youth Empowerment Project (YEP!)  in Park Rapids, MN.  I have found a fabulous model to base it off of, have set up multiple meetings with professionals in the school and the community, have researched and developed interview guides, have met more people than I can remember names for, and have been running to every meeting you can think of in the last two days. 

In addition, I brought a meat and cheese tray, with cheese from our creamery, and crackers and crab dip to work today.  It was yummy! 

Overall, I am going to get exactly what I was hoping for:  project development and management, grant writing, community education and collaboration, and working with one great agency.  I couldn't be happier with my decision at the moment.  Furthermore, two possible job openings were mentioned, tentatively offered, to me today.  One is at the agency and the other with the Hubbard County Drug and Alcohol Task Force.   Who knows where life might lead me yet!

Interning 101

My first day of my internship, anxious as a ball of nerves, worried me that I may do something dissapointing or embarassing.  I was so worried that I never thought about the fact that I may be dissapointed, which was the case.  It is only day one, so I'm giving the agency the benefit of the doubt, but I could've been back in 3rd grade with the projects I completed. 

I didn't really know what to expect but suspected the first few days would be more job shadowing and learning what everyone does in the agency.  Nope.   After a couple cups of coffee and listening to chit chat, I had the opportunity to fold copious amounts of newsletters, tape them shut, and sort them by zip code.  Exciting! 
I know, it has to be done, but really?   After I completed the project, I was given another mind boggling task.  Find statistics on domestic violence, blow them up in Microsoft Word and cite them, print them, cut them out and glue them onto pretty bright colored paper. 
These were for the public forum we held last night and were taped around the room.  I know that the busy work has to get done, but I guess that it wasn't what I expected to be doing, at all.   I certianly don't bring experience and 4 years of schooling to the plate just to fold and cut out papers.  We will see what today brings, and I have faith that it was just "the day", so lets hope. 

The public forum yesterday evening went well though, other than a poor attendance.  The info. was great though!  Video presented was on what domestic violence is, how to recognize it, what the impact is,  why peope don't leave the situation, and how to help them.  Good stuff!

 As far as attendence goes, in my experience, if you are not out at agencies and interacting one on one trying to pull people in to these types of things, they don't come.  You can advertise on the radio and newspaper all you want, but to get small town locals to attend, its more about relationship building and pulling on those strings.  I may do some research on this today though, and see what info. is out there about it. 
I suppose I better get moving though.  Off to the races for day 2!

Day One

First day of my internship begins today!  I am frightfully nervous, which is to be expected I guess.  After doing virtually the same job for 10 years, beginning something new, as a professional now, scares the daylights out of me.  I keep trying to use some positive mental reinforcement and picture how great things will go, but I keep picturing myself tripping over the door, spilling coffee all over myself, and sounding like a bumbling idiot.  Why is that???

I know I will be fine, the day will be fabulous, and that this is just the beggining to a new world of knowledge.  I have my lunch packed, two cans of pop, fresh coffee for the trip, a whole lot of nerves, and a smile ready to go.  I could use a little prayer though, so if you have some time... I'd appreciate it!

Little Girls!

"Newly six year old daughter for sale!" 

Each morning I wake up at 6:45 when my alarm clock (Eric calling me from the barn) rings and it's time for Taylor to get ready for school.   This is the most dreadful and excruciating part of the day.   I wake up in a good mood, praying as I walk to her room, that she will arise from the "right" side of the bed.  This morning, like many, that was a no go... 

It begins with me saying nicely, "Honey, it's time to wake up and get ready to go to school" then onto, "You need to get up now" and finally, "Alright, lets go" as I turn her legs to the edge of the bed and pull her up to a standing position.  By this time the whining is full force. 

I begin to console and explain that we have to go to school and how fun the morning can be if we can be good.  Then comes the hunt for clothes.  Ikes!  If I pick out her clothes, she hates them.  In addition, she likes to pick out the clothes that she knows she's not allowed to wear to school.  Like the purple skirt that is a little to short, the black nylon skirt which she would wear every day if I let her, the blue leggings with the hole in the knee, or the stained up t-shirt that she claims matches her pants so well.  I just can't win...

Needless to say, it takes almost 15 minutes just for her to pick out clothes, and usually they are intense as the argument ensues.  I explain that she can't wear something for whatever reason and the whining starts again.  I loose my patience and end up picking out pants or a shirt or whatever and she throws herself into bed and cries, "I don't even like that shirt!"   As steam rolls out of my ears, I find myself reminding myself to be patient, kind and understanding as I say, "Fine, you can go naked then!" 

Of course, by 7:10 am she is always dressed and ready to go give dad a kiss and a hug before the bus comes, but I just wish it would be easier.  This morning I explained how we are going to go to bed earlier in order to improve our attitude, which of course led to more whining.   We'll give it a whirl and see if that's the issue... maybe it is and maybe it's not.   

What really rubs it in is when Brady climbs out of bed when I am waking Taylor up and says "Good morning Mom, I missed you and I love you!  Where's dad?  Can I go to the barn?"  I think my little girl might be the death of me! 

Change of P(e)ace

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face for the first time in over a good week.  It felt great!  I helped Taylor get ready for school, as she insisted on a new lime green shorts and matching shirt from Grandma Mary, blue flip flops, a sparkling purple headband and a light blue sweat jacket to wear to school.  I didn't argue too much; it is nice out, and I know I did the same things as a child.  Just being able to wear summer clothes makes a person feel better some times, so I let it pass.

We strolled through the wet grass to go wait for the bus and Taylor's feet were covered  with dew.  She said, "Look mom it rained last night and now my feet are wet."  After giggling I explained to her how the grass gets dewy, and that it's not from rain.  Then she asked if snakes make the grass grow.  (this stemmed from yesterdays conversation as she said that God should kill all the snakes and I told her that everything God creates has a purpose)  I felt sort of silly at that moment as I couldn't come up with a stunning answer like I did for explaining the dew, so "I'm not really sure" seemed to work.  Now I guess I have something to google...  

After a kiss, a hug and an "I love you, have a good day at school", she flip flopped to the bus and I watched as they pulled away.  As I turned around I started to think about our, "hurry, hurry, hurry...  mom has 80 million things to do... stress, stress, stress... crabby, crabby, crabby" days that seemed to be getting all to normal.  Today I have a couple pages of a paper left to write and it will be my last one.  The stress is gone completely and not only do I notice how much better I feel, but also how my peace of mind has such an effect on my behavior and that relates to how well, or how bad, the morning could have gone.  Of course I knew this to be true before, but sometimes in all the madness in life, we forget. 

I am exstatic to say, "I am done with school", but I am happier to have my life back, my sanity back, and time for my family back.  Last night we all went for a walk on the trail that extends across our land at dusk, we saw around 20 deer, some of whom were only 50 yards away, listened to the frogs in the pond, and watched the cows rapidly run up to the fence thinking there was feed involved in the venture.  Seeing my daughters smiling face this morning, watching Brady excitedly get dressed to go out to the barn to see his dad and his puppy, and knowing I could come in and just relax if I want to, and spend the afternoon with all of them is the most peaceful feeling in the world.  It feels great to be "back"! 

All of this leads back to self-care, which is what I've been missing.  Many parts of the wheel have been gone for some time since I've been in school, but as of yesterday, my wheel will be complete once again.  When I feel good, so does my family.   What does your wheel look like?  

Simple Pleasures- (Thanks Aunt Marcia)

This morning I woke up to my children busily digging, slamming cupboard doors, and yelling, "it's not there", "look here", and "I FOUND IT" as they searched for their Easter Baskets. As I laid in bed, not wanting to get up at 6 am but knowing I had better capture some of the scene, I smiled.  Just listening to the excitement, the suprise, and the 'Oh cool's is enough to make my day. 

After reading my Aunt Marcia's blog about her simple pleasures I began to think about mine.  I don't sit and read books for entertainment much, but I definately have some simple pleasures that have been neglected since I've been in school.  Come Wednesday, they will a regular addendum to my future schedule!

#1:   Spending more time playing, teaching and learning with my children.  I love spending time with the kids in the garden, being outside, explaining how things grow, teaching them about nature, telling stories, baking or cooking with them, and playing games, especially outside.  Priceless!

#2:   Going for walks with my husband.  Eric and I used to walk down the field trail in the afternoon or at dusk to look for deer, remember and appreciate all of the work we've done and what will be done in the future, look at the trees and land, and talk about what we are planting, seeding, picking, plans for the field in the future etc.  I miss that.

#3:   Playing guitar.   I haven't picked up my guitar since Christmas.  I love to write music and just play.  I look forward to that. 

#4:  Outdoors!   I have always loved nature and outdoor activities!  Anything from camping, fishing, hunting, beaching, tanning, mowing the lawn, working in my garden, planting flowers, playing hopscotch with kids, having bonfires, playing with the animals or doing fieldwork.  Something about nature brings me some peace of mind, and I can't wait for this summer!

#5:  My alone time.  Going for walks in the early morning when it's still a little cool outside, the sun is just rising in the sky, and the sounds and sights of nature are beautiful brings me so much peace.  It gives me great thinking time, helps me feel heathier and happier, and is so healing.  I can't wait!  

I think that pretty much sums it up. Spring, summer and fall, when the weather cooperates, are busy with all these things.  These simple, free or almost free activities, bring me so much hapiness.  I am ready for all of it!   Thanks Aunt Marcia for the reminder. :~) 

For the Birds, Really!

Brady asked Eric and I the other night, "Mom, daddy, how do birds make a nest?"  Eric began to try to explain as Brady looked at him like, "Are you speaking English?"  I grabbed the computer as I heard a, "mom's on the computer again..." mumble, ignored it, and went right to utube.  I looked up, "how a bird makes a nest" and low and behold, there are multiple videos.  So, the three of us sat down and watched a few videos on how birds make nests. Very cute!  Then on the sidebar where it shows other related videos, Brady pointed at one that had Robin eggs hatching, so we had to watch it. 

Five beautiful blue robin eggs in a nest, and one begins to crack open and out pops the ugliest little bugger.  They are much prettier with feathers...but, it was neat to watch.  Pretty soon we watched turtle eggs hatching and it was the size of a quarter when it was born, so that was neat.  Next it was a dolphin that gave birth, then a giraffe, and finally we watched the development of a joey (a baby kangaroo).  Thanks once again to technology!  Instead of trying to explain like mumbling idiots, utube can show it. Great stuff! 

It's nice to be able to show kids while you explain, I think it helps so much in the learning process.  I learn things much easier when I can "see" them.  Even on a chalk board, a video, a sketching, whatever it is, I retain info. much easier.  Utube is a great resource for information, education, junk, music, almost anything.  I've used it to learn how to play songs on guitar, used videos from a Prof. at the U of M relating to Hmong Populations for a paper, and I've seen it used for promotional purposes as well.  Some of the videos might be "for the birds", but overall, it's a valuable resource and I love it! 

Delirium of a student

On April 12, 2011, Karen Crabtree, a mother of 3 children, step-mother of 2 children, wife, dairy farmer, and full-time student, was found delirious in her chair.  After multiple counts of, "Mom! Mom! Mom!" and "Karen! Karen! Karen!", from her children and husband, she lost touch with reality. 

She is plagued by massive piles of homework, fencing on the pasture, children's school conferences, Dr. appointments, 2 interviews for a research paper, a senior project, planning and co-leading a PTO meeting, expected calves, a birthday party, and Easter all within the next 2 weeks. 

Doctors predict the delerium will pass in exaclty 2 weeks with the end of school.  Until then, crazy behaviors are probable, tears may stream at any time, laughing hysterically at nothing may occur, and running in circles around the mulberry bush is likely. 

Celebratory services for her recovery are to take place on May 6th at graduation, and May 28th at a graduation party.  Please attend if possible as sanity should be reinstated by this time. 

Country Walks

This morning was commemorated with my first outdoor walk and I enjoyed every minute!  At 7:30 am, there was only a slight wind, the sun was glowing and spring was calling me.  I even made it 4 miles, all around the country block.  Thought about stopping and only doing 2 miles, but I was enjoying the time to myself so much I just kept going. 

I walked down a gravel road where the water rises and often floods the area.  Upon approach I stopped for a moment and listened to all the delightful sounds and took in the view.  Ducks were lovingly swimming side by side, red wing blackbirds were bouncing on the reeds, and sparrows were dancing in the air as they busily chased one another.  The cattails from last year were swaying slightly as a muskrat swam through them.   The sounds were amazing too!  Chirping, calling, tweeting, quacking, cooing etc.  Everything was beautiful. 

As I walked further, seven deer pranced across the field towards the woods.  I rounded the corner to the next road and several new Angus calves wanted to greet me at the edge of the fence.  I continued on to hear the bellering of their hungry mothers notifying the owners to "wake up and feed us". 

When my legs began to feel like jello, I spotted a Pussy Willow tree in the ditch. 

It was fully bloomed, or whatever you want to call it.  I carefully reached up and plucked two branches off the tree, one for each of the kids.  Remembering when I was young, I thought of how my sisters and I used to pick them from the woods when we were with my dad and bring them home.  Just as I kept walking, I passed a field full of Seagulls that were screeching loudly as they swooped down and around the water logged area.  I figured they were worm hunting, as I stared down at all the earthworms  I stepped over on the edges of the road. 

Upon turning onto the highway to finish the hike home, 2 neighbors passed by, and each of them waved as I trotted along, Pussy Willow branches in hand.  I thought to myself about how fortunate I am to live where I can listen to all the sounds of spring, watch the wildlife each day, have people who live around me that care, to be able to share some part of it with my children, and to be able to walk alone safely.  Which is probably why I love morning walks.  Nothing feels more refreshing than a little sun, good excersize, and so many affirmations as to why I love the country.  

"There is sanctuary in being alone with nature."  Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Completing One Day at a Time

A week of finalizing and accomplishments coming to an end...  Yes!!!  My position as a liaison for the NASW has ended as the event "Day at the Capital" was on Monday and was a final hoorah for the social work club this year.  Hearing Governor Dayton speak was such a treat, and I enjoyed the day.  However, my meeting with Senator Hoffman was less than impressive.  Tea Party politics may have affected her ability to just be personable...  I was greeted by complete rudeness and rebutted with inacurate information, with her refusal to listen.  However, I was still polite despiter her brass attitude and thanked her even though I really wanted to shake her and say, "Do you understand what the effects of the cuts you're proposing will do to those children???"  regarding child protective services cuts.  

Yesterday we celebrated the retirement of a phenomenal professor in the Social Work program at BSU.  She has been a professor here for almost 30 years and is just a spitfire!  I will miss her dearly, along with my other professors, new friends, and all the learning that takes place...  But onto new and brighter pastures!
Last night I plugged away three more papers, so the countdown is on.  Only 17 days left of the madness and a heck of a lot of work to do.  If I can roll them out like I did last night I know I'll be fine.  Just gotta keep that momentum going!!

Today I am co-hosting a Single Payer Healthcare Forum in Bemidji which is exciting!  We have two presenters, one a Physicians Assistant and the other a Dr., coming from the cities.  It's purely educational and we have no way of knowing how many people, or who, will show up.   Could be blown up by Tea Partiers in the media so we are supposed to "be prepared for backlash".  Oh well...  I believe that healthcare should be a right and not a privilege, and that all people should be able to afford it, and have equal access.  If it's a crime, then I'm guilty and guess I'll deal with the consequences.  So, lots to get done, so I better get a move on. 

Time

Time is such a valuable resource that lately I have been wishing I have more of it.  Only 3 weeks of class left and an abundance of work...  ugh.  Summer is approaching and we are trying to plan a family camping trip/ Well, Becky has been doing the brunt of it, to no avail.  Between available campgrounds and date interuptions it has been quite the process, and I wish I could make it all work out wonderfully, but I can't.  Such is life sometimes... 

I have been frustrated with Bemidji State as I am graduating with a 3.87 cumulative GPA and which doesn't qualify me for graduating with honors due to their policy requirements of 50 credits.  I will have 48 from BSU and 12 coming with my internship, but apparently that doesn't matter.  And there is no appeal process, which is a load of crap if you ask me.  Sorry for the negativity, but I am frustrated!  In addition, I was utterly unimpressed with my legislator that I met with yesterday who could benefit from some interpersonal skills. 

So, positive thoughts...   Three years ago I wasn't planning on school.  Two years ago I thought this time would never come.  Three weeks from now I will be graduating.  By the end of July I will have a job,  hopefully.  My children are wonderful, talented and smart.  My husband is wonderful and supportive, but lately is frustrated with my busy schedule, which is understandable.  Additionally, I am ready for bed after a long day, and only have one meeting tomorrow with the rest of the day off.  :~)  This makes me happy, even though there is an abundance of work to do.   In good time... 

Learning Experiences

An insane week to say the least, but full of great experience!  Three interviews, a short TV3 session, grant meeting, field trip planning, forum planning, class, homework etc.  As crazy as my schedule has been, I've had some excellent opportunities in college, and feel very fortunate that I've been able to take advantage of them.  That being said, I also can't wait till it's all over!!!

I have decided to accept an internship at Headwaters Intervention Center.  Here is the executive director, who is a fabulous woman I must say.  She is fairly new and implementing all kinds of wonderful changes to steer the organization in a positive direction.  I am very impressed!  The organization offers a plethora of opportunities, projects, community involvement and each day brings a new challenge.  I love a challenge, like the flexibility, want to work with the community, and will be able to do more grant writing.  All around, I look forward to all the things that I will learn from the experience!  

I do have some reservations, however, I believe that I am strong enough to handle the situation.  As they are an organization that deals with domestic abuse, they do have walk ins where women have arived covered in bruises, with or without children, and the staff are the immediate interventionists.   Intimidating, yes.  However, I do believe that everything happens for a reason and while I was interviewing, it all just seemed to feel right.  So here's to the best!  Now, the countdown is on.  Only 11 days of driving to Bemidji left, graduation, then internship!!!!   I can't wait.  :~) 

Roller Coasters

One day I'm dressed in a suit schmoosing the "upper echelon" over a dinner meal where I'm trying to eat daintily to not look like a pig and the next I'm covered in cow manure and/ or urine and flinging fresh milk at Eric via a teet fight in the barn.  Life is a roller coaster, and my brain feels ready to fly off the seat!
Graduation is in 42 days, not that I'm counting or anything, and I couldn't be more ready in some ways and on the other hand, it scares the living bejeeses out of me.  All my projects minus one will be completed and a new chapter will begin.  The anxiety is building up as I'm thinking, "Where the heck will I work?"  "What if I don't find a job?"  "When will I finally have a paycheck agian?"  "When can I have my life back?"  etc.  A variety of thoughts definately, yet all raise some type of anxiety, and each one makes me want to be done with school even more.  I think I have a bad case of what I've heard called "senioritis".   I wish they would make some kind of stupid pill or something to fix it...

In other news, it's been a great week with Lars here!  The storm hindered our movie plans, but on Sunday we are headed to the science museum and the King Tut exhibit in the cities.  We've had some late nights filled with 12 year old theoretical conversation in the barn and wild and furious games of Uno Attack! 

  The kids have been playing in the unforgivable spring snow and are currently dripping with mud mixed with slush.  I like doing laundry anyway... right?  I'll just keep telling myself that.  

Confidence

The outcome of an interview with the Midwest Minnesota Community Development Corporation resulted in a tentative offer for a paid internship doing community assessments.  Yeah!  However, as the corporation itself is not a social work organization and I would have to figure out some details, nothing is final.  I need supervision and there are some stipulations of the supervisory position they would have to agree to.  Yet, it is a phenomenal feeling to have such a prestigous and powerful organization offer me such an opportunity. 

After the interview I was feeling a little overwhelmed and started doing the, "Can I really do this job?  What if I can't do it?  I don't think I can do this..."  kind of thinking.  I hate it when my confidence starts lacking and I beat myself up.  So I decided to write it off as a possibility due to the fact that I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough.  

So I know what you're probably thinking...  KAREN- Wake up!!!  right?  Well, yesterday I had a conversation with a couple good friends of mine at school.   It was like dumping water over my head.  I started doing a virtual, "phlewwwbbb"  as my eyes blinked wildly and my lips vibrated from the imaginary water.  I woke up and had the startling realization that, "I can do it!" 

I still plan on doing my other interviews, but I am much more confident once again in my skill ability to fullfill the position.  A paid position, a fabulous and scarce opportunity, and it's community improvement work.  Just what I want!  I will make a final decision in a couple weeks, but I love having options and a great lead.  I have to say, I have some amazing friends!  and family, but that's another story. :~) 

Nerves....

Nerves are funny things.  Yesterday I had to give a presentation to my class on one of my capstone projects.  It was on the nursing home equalization rate, in essence, the way that nursing homes are paid for Medicaid patients, which happens to make up about 70% of their income.  It's inadequate as the state only reimburses 87% of the actual cost which is why Minnesota nursing homes are struggling.  Long story, but very sad future outlook.  Anyway, it was a 5 minute persuasive speech and even though I know all the members of my class very well, and my professor, I still got nervous.  It went well though.

Today I have an interview at the MMCDC in Detroit Lakes.  They work throughout the state offering capital investments for people, businesses and communities.  It's not exactly a social work organization, but my futuristic sense can see a link and a possible future opportunity of how the two fields could work together.  Regardless of whether they find that a position would work out, it's still good experience.  But again, I am quite nervous. 

I spoke to Lars' dad today about visitation.  Lars is coming from Sunday- Sunday which is fabulous.  However, Annette, Hans' soon to be ex-wife, is claiming that she wanted to see Lars this weekend and is threatening to take Hans to court because he is trying to keep their children apart.  Apparently it is part of their court agreement to not try to do so.  Hans isn't changing the schedule but wanted to warn me of the possibility of a court hearing and asking if I would write an affadavid for him if it happened stating that we had visitation scheduled, which we did, so that she wouldn't have a case.   All I have to say is that the woman is insane!  Needless to say, my nerves were making my hair on my arms stand up.  Gotta love nerves....

Coming Weekend = Happiness

Today I was able to monitor court proceedings all morning in Bemidji.  Talk about interesting!   One woman was being arraigned on her 33rd conviction for huffing paint.  The jail was described as her home as she stays there for a month or two each time and begins to look good, she eats well and is safe.  Once she's out the cycle begins all over again.  The bailif spoke of how the truth of it is that they know that one day they could very well find her dead.  Very sad...

However, the rest of the day was quite delightful!  After dinner at the Green Mill, I joined my friends in a little mall excursion where I found a great deal on a pair of new Nike's.  Just in time for the beautiful weather and the beginning of my walking season.
 I attended class which was uneventful, however, afterwards I recieved a call from my son and his dad.  He gets to come for 4 extra days which is wonderful!  Talk about an improvement from past years!  Then, on our way home we heard the song "Highway 20 Ride", by Rascal Flatts which always reminds me of Lars.  Tears started streaming down my face suddenly and I couldn't help myself.  I usually don't cry much but today my emotions got the best of me.   Thank goodness I had such wonderful friends there to support me.  I love those girls; they're great!

Anyway, the weekend is going to be busy, which I am excited about even though it sounds exhausting!  Saturday we are meeting Eric's aunt and uncle from Washington state in TRF for dinner and he hasn't seen them in years.  My mom will also be in TRF so I may just get to see her as well.  What a treat!  Then on Sunday I get to go pick up Lars.  I can't wait to spend the week with him.  We already have some plans for Wednesday afternoon while the younger two are in school.  Dinner, a movie and car races it is!  Possibly this choice:              
All I know is that I can't wait to spend some time with my son, it's long overdue.  :~)

Unknowing Impact

This week has been emotional, humbling, and inspiring all together.  I've heard more in the last week about how my blog, my ideas, or how my work is impacting people in a positive way.  I didn't realize to this extent that I've had so much impact.  This leads to feelings of extreme happiness, as my goal is to improve the world, one person or one community at a time.

My sister Kim left me with a tear streaked face and red eyes after her blog entry the other day called FAITH.  I loved it, and couldn't have been prouder of her and my family when I finished reading.  Emotions ran wild... her strength to share her personal life without judgement, to give so much love and credit to others, and to accept inspiration in each aspect of life was amazing!  I love you Kim!

Yesterday I spend the day with two phenomenal people who left me speechless.  Their generosity was beyond words and I felt overwhelmed with kindness.  I don't think I've ever been at such a loss of words...  I had an amazing day and still feel very emotional as I don't know how to accept so much generosity without guilt.  However, the situation reinforced to me how much impact one thought, one word, or one simple act of kindness can have on another.   I want to create change, to make a difference, and to give back so that everyone can experience this in one form or another.  They made a personal investment, and through action I hope to pay back ten fold.  I will pay it forward. 

 
I hope to never forget how much support I have recieved and how much of a difference people have made in my life.  I would be lost without them.  Thank you, to all of you, for the impact you've made and the opportunities you've given me.  I would not be who I am or where I am without you.

Strengthfinder 2.0 - a must have!

Strengthfinder 2.0 was a requirement of a class I took last semester and has become a favorite within my family.  It is a must buy as I know I love it!  ;~)  My strenths all tie into one another perfectly and I couldn't describe myself better.  Within my future career, they all fit perfectly as well which I believe will make me that much stronger. 

My top strength is futuristic.  A quote that sums it up for me, "...a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world- it will always be inspirational to you."  Dreaming, visioning and creating hope... 



Number 2 is strategic.  The jist of it is that I am able to sort through options and ask "What if __?" and create alternative options, sort through them and make the best decisions to lead me down my pathway of life.  I definately can see this in my life as I really like strategic planning in the career world, and I feel that I have done this throughout my adult life in order to create my own path. 

Achiever is my third strength in which I struggle with the most.  A quote, "After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment."  This is me!  I struggle with this because I wish that I was more content at times and didn't have such big expectations, however, I know that if I am not working towards a goal I'm not happy.  A blessing and a curse...  but I'll take it. 

"You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write."  This sums up communication which is my fourth strength.  I love events, public education and awareness, poetry, writing songs, and talking in general.  I am a phone person as well, my whole family can tell you this.  I don't really text much, I would rather have a voice on the other end of the phone.  It makes sense to me. 

Being a learner is my fifth and final strength.  The first sentence is, "You love to learn."  Which I absolutely do.  I find that learning and being able to put the knowledge into practice is exciting for me.  Research, when it's something I am interested in, is fascinating and I find that I want to keep reading.  However, what I find interesting is that I'm not into books really, mostly research.  Why is that?  

All in all, I have to say that taking the assessment, reading and understanding these strengths has changed how I look at things.  I am much more aware of my strengths and have been able to utilize them more within my field of work, which really includes the dairy farm.  However, I look forward to graduation when I begin my internship so I can put them to more use.  Overall, this is the best $11 I've spent in a long time and I encourage anyone who hasn't taken it to do so!   

Homeless is Housed!

The journey for the young, homeless, pregnant senior that has been housing with us has come to an end.  Social work is definately my cup of tea...  After working with the family to create a contract of expectations, goals, objectives and steps, the decision was final.  She is with her mother once again.  I don't think I could have asked for a better outcome for her, the family and the future child.  At 8 months pregnant, my "step-daughter" is settled and I am a soon to be God Parent.  Couldn't be more proud!  Glad I could put my skills to good use as well. 

However, I ponder about her future.  What will it be?  Brings me back to when I was a child... "Ka Sera Sera , Whatever will be will be, the future is ours to see, Ka Sera Sera"   My mother sang this to me and my sisters often.   I will never forget this. 

Which brings me to my sister, Kim.  I am so proud of her.  She took a gigantic step towards a strange and new world, with a vision of a career in mind.  I think about her often...  If I could see her now I would tell her how much I love her, tell her how proud of her I am, and how much I admire her for being able to create her own destiny.  If you read this Kim, know how much I love you!  But always remember that you set out to find your path, and even if it may change from your original idea of what was to be, remember that you are opening doors to a new and fabulous world.  Enjoy every minute, appreciate the positive gains that you have made, and know that we all support you.  You will find your way.

Well, I am going to check on my husband in the barn.  Kinda feeling mushy right now and miss him... 

With Gains Come Frustration

Why is the world so frustrating at times?  Maybe God sits back with a bowl of popcorn at times and says to St. Peter, "Hey, check this out.  She is going to get so pissed!" and they laugh histerically.  It must be true...  Today I went to a baby shower for the young lady who has been staying with my husband and I.  I wasn't sure who would be there, what to expect, or how things would go.  To my suprise I walk in to a room full of at least 20 people.  Aunts, cousins, grandparents, friends of the family, and a few of her friends.  In all honesty, I was exstatic for the girl to have so much support, and on the same hand I was disgusted.  Why on earth, if all these people are family and friends that care, do I have a homeless pregnant senior staying on my couch???  I quickly passed aside any judgement, joined in the festivities and began the endless chit chat that accompanies these types of activities.  End of the story:  the young woman had a fabulous shower, lot's of gifts, and is moving back into her mother's home.  Even though the goal was to find more permanent housing which we have done, I was still frustrated.  Oh well, I'm over it.  I guess... I think I just need to take some advice from wise old Maxine.    My children tell me they are starving so I better get off the computer and do something about it.  Now to decide what to make...  ugh... why don't I have that menu planned that is on my list of goals?  It would make life so much easier!

Melting My Heart

  

  The last few days my husband has surprised me, and not in a "Boo", jumping around the corner kind of way. I know that he is a good man and has a big heart, but his rough and tough attitude, boisterous voice, and intense ego sometimes make it difficult for others to see.  However, he has changed so much and I couldn't be prouder.   We were talking about a situation in the area where a local boy who is on the wrestling team was suspended early in the year from participating in matches because he had gotten in trouble with the law.  There were other boys involved with the situation as well, and they were all punished.  A few weeks ago the coach decided that the boy could begin wrestling at matches again and he is taking a lot of heat for it.  Why was I impressed with Eric?  He told me that he believed that the boy needs to have something to work for, strive for, and that wrestling might be the only thing that can keep the boy out of trouble and take him somewhere in life.  The family doesn't have one of the fortunate last names in town, they don't have much education, no money for college, but this boy is a fantastic wrestler.  Needless to say, I was impressed that Eric could see how kicking the boy off the team for the whole year would probably do more damage than good.  

 

But this wasn't the end of it...  I am writing a grant for a social service agency, as I've mentioned before.  At first Eric thought this was a waste of my time and I was frustrated.  However, after I have explained the idea, how it will work, the difference it could make and how excited I am about it, he had a totally different attitude.  Instead he began throwing out ideas, casting out names of people to call, and talked about it all evening.  I went to feed calves and when I came back the discussion went on.  This is where I found myself almost in tears...   He talked about how when I begin working that I should still do some freelance grant writing because he would like to take any money that I would make from it to start a scholarship fund for local kids that want to go into some type of agricultural program.  I think it's a great idea of course!  But moreso, this just reiterated to me that no matter how tough he seems on the outside, that deep down he is very loving and caring, and it about melted my heart.  Every day I find reminders of why I fell in love with him, and find a deeper appreciation of that as time goes by.  Now, if I can just get him to do dishes we'll really be making progress! ;~)

Is it spring break yet???

A dampened towel thrown on the floor
baskets from Christmas adorn the coffee table
A plethora of Hoards' reading is strewn through the living room
The dust keeps compiling evermore

Heaps of clothes from days before
they think the garbage bin must grow
toy soldiers fighting under my feet
no matching socks anymore

Two more days yet
will I pull my hair out first
waiting for the hours
the cleaning fairy met

Spaghetti Feed

Taylor accompanied me to the annual Social Work Club Spaghetti feed where she became the assistant table decorator and face paint model for the day. 

 She did a fabulous job at arranging flowers and evergreen boughs on the tables after smoothing the wrinkles out of the tableclothes.  The tables were then adorned with table top letters that explained the importance of social work, what we do, and quotes from famous individuals relating to social work or social change.  They were beautiful!

I was chef for a day and think I cooked enough spaghetti for 150 people.  Cheri was a fabulous Sous Chef, Steve was the chief organizer and the professors were there in action as well.  We made a great team!  Others showed up during the serving time and stayed to clean up so it was a great success.  Here is the "hot buns" team!

Overall, it was a successful day!  We served approximately 60 people, raised around $600 which is enough combined with other funding to pay for our trip to "Day at the Capital".  Since I am a co-chair to organize that, I guess I better get on the ball now...  ;~)  Taylor had a blast, and we ended the day by stopping in for Landon's first Birthday party!  Family, food, cuddly and happy baby... Very fun! Needless to say, I had a fabulous night's sleep!

Cowboys and Butterflies

Cowboys and butterflies invaded the barn last night during chores, which also happened to be DHIA testing which means another body in the small parlor and skittish cows.  Taylor created a beautiful play and she was a dancing butterfly who bobbed her head up and down like a bobblehead, flapped her arms crazily and wobbled her legs back and forth like a duck with a giant grin on her face.  Adorable right!  Then, the cowboys invaded and Brady came charging through the milkhouse in his cowboy boots with his pants riding at the top of them since he hasn't learned to pull his jeans over them yet, yelling "Bam Bam Bam Bam!!!   That butterfly is dead."  With a flourescent green pistol from the dollar store he looked pretty scary.   Then the cowboy attacked the butterfly with all his might, they both tumbled to the floor laughing, lifted their legs in the air as they laid on their backs and said, "Look at my butt mom!"   
This is the end of the Cowboy and the Butterfly

Non-profits and assumptions

Chaos has officially taken over and my mind is finding its way back to sanity by doing some catching up today...  Housing options: check, possible intern sites: check, family violence papers: check, childrens roomed cleaned: check, spaghetti feed fund raiser info.: check, Day at the Capital presentations: check    And now a sigh of relief:   Aaaaahhhhhh......

I've learned a lot in the past week so my mind is officially on the move.  Did you know that people assume way to many things.  Note to self: as a future social worker assume NOTHING!  By accident we found that there are homeless housing programs that are offered if you have been kicked out of housing more than 4 times in 3 years.  I was exstatic and I made the worker we happened to be with call the agency back, who had assumed that my young friend didn't qualify and I talked to them about the program.  Even though they do not have any openings currently, she is on a waiting list, so until then we are hanging in there. 

Possible intern sites were on the agenda for today and I've decided to explore the non-profit world!  With the strengths I have, the tasks that I enjoy doing, and the connections I've made it just seems to fit.  Met with a fabulous agency from Mahnomen, but too far of a drive.  Darnit....   So now I am exploring other options in the area.  I am really looking forward to this next step in my life, very anxious, very intrigued with possibilities, but excited!  Even though the non-profit world suffers from lack of funding, lack of benefits, lack of resources in general, I feel up to the challege.  I really want to make a difference and believe I would be an asset.  So possible intern sites: Habitat for Humanity, Boys and Girls Club, Headwaters Intervention Agency, Lakes Crisis Center, Mahube or Community Action and more... 

Maybe I will be doing 20 interviews instead of 5, you never know. 

My Crazy Life

I must be nuts, or maybe something is malfiring in my brain at times... I'm not sure yet.  I don't run around naked looking for squirrels or anything, so there is some hope. 

I was asked to explain myself- life, projects in action, work, extra curriculars etc. to a friend last night who I haven't talked to in years.  As I am hearing myself rambling on about the 80 million things I am doing I started to think, "What is wrong with me?  Am I crazy?  I need some chocolate..."   So after eating a girl scout thin mint, which was delicious, I got off the phone and thought about how to simplify things.    This left me with two words: self care.   I have been really overwhelmed with everything I am trying to do and I need to just remember to take some time for myself.  So today I am going to get a little homework done, I have to do some, and then I am going to spend the afternoon with my husband.  Just the two of us, doing nothing other than whatever it is we want to do.  This evening my best friend invited me to a Mary Kay party, I think she knows I'm a little stressed, and I appreciate a little time for me.  I am blessed and appreciate her friendship so much! 

This morning I laid on the couch with my youngest son for a while, loving him up, and it felt wonderful.  As I was hugging and kissing on him he was practicing shooting bad guys with his pistol while watching an old western movie.  Boys...   My daughter and I cuddled up on the couch last night for a while and she read a book to me called, "A Tiny Fairy".  I only had to help with one word.  She is amazing!  Sounds like Roger is doing well and all set to graduate which makes me happy.  Lars is doing great and tells me all about his battle ground stories from a game that I don't understand but pretend to anyways.  "Yep, WOW!  That's fantastic!" 

My step-daughter, as Eric refers to her now, is doing well also.  She's been in school all week, has made numerous phone calls, is still attending her child birth classes and is taking one step at a time.  We took a break yesterday and will today as well from it all, but tomorrow will get back to the phone to look for options.  Had a couple suggestions this week about local help which is the direction that we are looking at.  The jist of it is that the state has cut funding, so counties have no funding for housing.   Did you know that 45% of homeless people in Minnesota are children, youth and those under 21? 

For more information on Minnesota homelessness the Homeless Coalition of Minnesota has a fantastic website with lots of information.  The executive director is also a friend of mine who has been there for any advice or information that I may need.  She's fantastic too! 

Anyway, I am going to rock out a couple papers so I can enjoy the rest of the day with some long overdue husband time.  Hope you all have a great day, and feel blessed that you have a home to sleep in, a bed to lay in, and a pillow to rest your head on at night.