Roller Coasters

One day I'm dressed in a suit schmoosing the "upper echelon" over a dinner meal where I'm trying to eat daintily to not look like a pig and the next I'm covered in cow manure and/ or urine and flinging fresh milk at Eric via a teet fight in the barn.  Life is a roller coaster, and my brain feels ready to fly off the seat!
Graduation is in 42 days, not that I'm counting or anything, and I couldn't be more ready in some ways and on the other hand, it scares the living bejeeses out of me.  All my projects minus one will be completed and a new chapter will begin.  The anxiety is building up as I'm thinking, "Where the heck will I work?"  "What if I don't find a job?"  "When will I finally have a paycheck agian?"  "When can I have my life back?"  etc.  A variety of thoughts definately, yet all raise some type of anxiety, and each one makes me want to be done with school even more.  I think I have a bad case of what I've heard called "senioritis".   I wish they would make some kind of stupid pill or something to fix it...

In other news, it's been a great week with Lars here!  The storm hindered our movie plans, but on Sunday we are headed to the science museum and the King Tut exhibit in the cities.  We've had some late nights filled with 12 year old theoretical conversation in the barn and wild and furious games of Uno Attack! 

  The kids have been playing in the unforgivable spring snow and are currently dripping with mud mixed with slush.  I like doing laundry anyway... right?  I'll just keep telling myself that.  

Confidence

The outcome of an interview with the Midwest Minnesota Community Development Corporation resulted in a tentative offer for a paid internship doing community assessments.  Yeah!  However, as the corporation itself is not a social work organization and I would have to figure out some details, nothing is final.  I need supervision and there are some stipulations of the supervisory position they would have to agree to.  Yet, it is a phenomenal feeling to have such a prestigous and powerful organization offer me such an opportunity. 

After the interview I was feeling a little overwhelmed and started doing the, "Can I really do this job?  What if I can't do it?  I don't think I can do this..."  kind of thinking.  I hate it when my confidence starts lacking and I beat myself up.  So I decided to write it off as a possibility due to the fact that I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough.  

So I know what you're probably thinking...  KAREN- Wake up!!!  right?  Well, yesterday I had a conversation with a couple good friends of mine at school.   It was like dumping water over my head.  I started doing a virtual, "phlewwwbbb"  as my eyes blinked wildly and my lips vibrated from the imaginary water.  I woke up and had the startling realization that, "I can do it!" 

I still plan on doing my other interviews, but I am much more confident once again in my skill ability to fullfill the position.  A paid position, a fabulous and scarce opportunity, and it's community improvement work.  Just what I want!  I will make a final decision in a couple weeks, but I love having options and a great lead.  I have to say, I have some amazing friends!  and family, but that's another story. :~) 

Nerves....

Nerves are funny things.  Yesterday I had to give a presentation to my class on one of my capstone projects.  It was on the nursing home equalization rate, in essence, the way that nursing homes are paid for Medicaid patients, which happens to make up about 70% of their income.  It's inadequate as the state only reimburses 87% of the actual cost which is why Minnesota nursing homes are struggling.  Long story, but very sad future outlook.  Anyway, it was a 5 minute persuasive speech and even though I know all the members of my class very well, and my professor, I still got nervous.  It went well though.

Today I have an interview at the MMCDC in Detroit Lakes.  They work throughout the state offering capital investments for people, businesses and communities.  It's not exactly a social work organization, but my futuristic sense can see a link and a possible future opportunity of how the two fields could work together.  Regardless of whether they find that a position would work out, it's still good experience.  But again, I am quite nervous. 

I spoke to Lars' dad today about visitation.  Lars is coming from Sunday- Sunday which is fabulous.  However, Annette, Hans' soon to be ex-wife, is claiming that she wanted to see Lars this weekend and is threatening to take Hans to court because he is trying to keep their children apart.  Apparently it is part of their court agreement to not try to do so.  Hans isn't changing the schedule but wanted to warn me of the possibility of a court hearing and asking if I would write an affadavid for him if it happened stating that we had visitation scheduled, which we did, so that she wouldn't have a case.   All I have to say is that the woman is insane!  Needless to say, my nerves were making my hair on my arms stand up.  Gotta love nerves....

Coming Weekend = Happiness

Today I was able to monitor court proceedings all morning in Bemidji.  Talk about interesting!   One woman was being arraigned on her 33rd conviction for huffing paint.  The jail was described as her home as she stays there for a month or two each time and begins to look good, she eats well and is safe.  Once she's out the cycle begins all over again.  The bailif spoke of how the truth of it is that they know that one day they could very well find her dead.  Very sad...

However, the rest of the day was quite delightful!  After dinner at the Green Mill, I joined my friends in a little mall excursion where I found a great deal on a pair of new Nike's.  Just in time for the beautiful weather and the beginning of my walking season.
 I attended class which was uneventful, however, afterwards I recieved a call from my son and his dad.  He gets to come for 4 extra days which is wonderful!  Talk about an improvement from past years!  Then, on our way home we heard the song "Highway 20 Ride", by Rascal Flatts which always reminds me of Lars.  Tears started streaming down my face suddenly and I couldn't help myself.  I usually don't cry much but today my emotions got the best of me.   Thank goodness I had such wonderful friends there to support me.  I love those girls; they're great!

Anyway, the weekend is going to be busy, which I am excited about even though it sounds exhausting!  Saturday we are meeting Eric's aunt and uncle from Washington state in TRF for dinner and he hasn't seen them in years.  My mom will also be in TRF so I may just get to see her as well.  What a treat!  Then on Sunday I get to go pick up Lars.  I can't wait to spend the week with him.  We already have some plans for Wednesday afternoon while the younger two are in school.  Dinner, a movie and car races it is!  Possibly this choice:              
All I know is that I can't wait to spend some time with my son, it's long overdue.  :~)

Unknowing Impact

This week has been emotional, humbling, and inspiring all together.  I've heard more in the last week about how my blog, my ideas, or how my work is impacting people in a positive way.  I didn't realize to this extent that I've had so much impact.  This leads to feelings of extreme happiness, as my goal is to improve the world, one person or one community at a time.

My sister Kim left me with a tear streaked face and red eyes after her blog entry the other day called FAITH.  I loved it, and couldn't have been prouder of her and my family when I finished reading.  Emotions ran wild... her strength to share her personal life without judgement, to give so much love and credit to others, and to accept inspiration in each aspect of life was amazing!  I love you Kim!

Yesterday I spend the day with two phenomenal people who left me speechless.  Their generosity was beyond words and I felt overwhelmed with kindness.  I don't think I've ever been at such a loss of words...  I had an amazing day and still feel very emotional as I don't know how to accept so much generosity without guilt.  However, the situation reinforced to me how much impact one thought, one word, or one simple act of kindness can have on another.   I want to create change, to make a difference, and to give back so that everyone can experience this in one form or another.  They made a personal investment, and through action I hope to pay back ten fold.  I will pay it forward. 

 
I hope to never forget how much support I have recieved and how much of a difference people have made in my life.  I would be lost without them.  Thank you, to all of you, for the impact you've made and the opportunities you've given me.  I would not be who I am or where I am without you.

Strengthfinder 2.0 - a must have!

Strengthfinder 2.0 was a requirement of a class I took last semester and has become a favorite within my family.  It is a must buy as I know I love it!  ;~)  My strenths all tie into one another perfectly and I couldn't describe myself better.  Within my future career, they all fit perfectly as well which I believe will make me that much stronger. 

My top strength is futuristic.  A quote that sums it up for me, "...a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world- it will always be inspirational to you."  Dreaming, visioning and creating hope... 



Number 2 is strategic.  The jist of it is that I am able to sort through options and ask "What if __?" and create alternative options, sort through them and make the best decisions to lead me down my pathway of life.  I definately can see this in my life as I really like strategic planning in the career world, and I feel that I have done this throughout my adult life in order to create my own path. 

Achiever is my third strength in which I struggle with the most.  A quote, "After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment."  This is me!  I struggle with this because I wish that I was more content at times and didn't have such big expectations, however, I know that if I am not working towards a goal I'm not happy.  A blessing and a curse...  but I'll take it. 

"You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write."  This sums up communication which is my fourth strength.  I love events, public education and awareness, poetry, writing songs, and talking in general.  I am a phone person as well, my whole family can tell you this.  I don't really text much, I would rather have a voice on the other end of the phone.  It makes sense to me. 

Being a learner is my fifth and final strength.  The first sentence is, "You love to learn."  Which I absolutely do.  I find that learning and being able to put the knowledge into practice is exciting for me.  Research, when it's something I am interested in, is fascinating and I find that I want to keep reading.  However, what I find interesting is that I'm not into books really, mostly research.  Why is that?  

All in all, I have to say that taking the assessment, reading and understanding these strengths has changed how I look at things.  I am much more aware of my strengths and have been able to utilize them more within my field of work, which really includes the dairy farm.  However, I look forward to graduation when I begin my internship so I can put them to more use.  Overall, this is the best $11 I've spent in a long time and I encourage anyone who hasn't taken it to do so!   

Homeless is Housed!

The journey for the young, homeless, pregnant senior that has been housing with us has come to an end.  Social work is definately my cup of tea...  After working with the family to create a contract of expectations, goals, objectives and steps, the decision was final.  She is with her mother once again.  I don't think I could have asked for a better outcome for her, the family and the future child.  At 8 months pregnant, my "step-daughter" is settled and I am a soon to be God Parent.  Couldn't be more proud!  Glad I could put my skills to good use as well. 

However, I ponder about her future.  What will it be?  Brings me back to when I was a child... "Ka Sera Sera , Whatever will be will be, the future is ours to see, Ka Sera Sera"   My mother sang this to me and my sisters often.   I will never forget this. 

Which brings me to my sister, Kim.  I am so proud of her.  She took a gigantic step towards a strange and new world, with a vision of a career in mind.  I think about her often...  If I could see her now I would tell her how much I love her, tell her how proud of her I am, and how much I admire her for being able to create her own destiny.  If you read this Kim, know how much I love you!  But always remember that you set out to find your path, and even if it may change from your original idea of what was to be, remember that you are opening doors to a new and fabulous world.  Enjoy every minute, appreciate the positive gains that you have made, and know that we all support you.  You will find your way.

Well, I am going to check on my husband in the barn.  Kinda feeling mushy right now and miss him... 

With Gains Come Frustration

Why is the world so frustrating at times?  Maybe God sits back with a bowl of popcorn at times and says to St. Peter, "Hey, check this out.  She is going to get so pissed!" and they laugh histerically.  It must be true...  Today I went to a baby shower for the young lady who has been staying with my husband and I.  I wasn't sure who would be there, what to expect, or how things would go.  To my suprise I walk in to a room full of at least 20 people.  Aunts, cousins, grandparents, friends of the family, and a few of her friends.  In all honesty, I was exstatic for the girl to have so much support, and on the same hand I was disgusted.  Why on earth, if all these people are family and friends that care, do I have a homeless pregnant senior staying on my couch???  I quickly passed aside any judgement, joined in the festivities and began the endless chit chat that accompanies these types of activities.  End of the story:  the young woman had a fabulous shower, lot's of gifts, and is moving back into her mother's home.  Even though the goal was to find more permanent housing which we have done, I was still frustrated.  Oh well, I'm over it.  I guess... I think I just need to take some advice from wise old Maxine.    My children tell me they are starving so I better get off the computer and do something about it.  Now to decide what to make...  ugh... why don't I have that menu planned that is on my list of goals?  It would make life so much easier!

Melting My Heart

  

  The last few days my husband has surprised me, and not in a "Boo", jumping around the corner kind of way. I know that he is a good man and has a big heart, but his rough and tough attitude, boisterous voice, and intense ego sometimes make it difficult for others to see.  However, he has changed so much and I couldn't be prouder.   We were talking about a situation in the area where a local boy who is on the wrestling team was suspended early in the year from participating in matches because he had gotten in trouble with the law.  There were other boys involved with the situation as well, and they were all punished.  A few weeks ago the coach decided that the boy could begin wrestling at matches again and he is taking a lot of heat for it.  Why was I impressed with Eric?  He told me that he believed that the boy needs to have something to work for, strive for, and that wrestling might be the only thing that can keep the boy out of trouble and take him somewhere in life.  The family doesn't have one of the fortunate last names in town, they don't have much education, no money for college, but this boy is a fantastic wrestler.  Needless to say, I was impressed that Eric could see how kicking the boy off the team for the whole year would probably do more damage than good.  

 

But this wasn't the end of it...  I am writing a grant for a social service agency, as I've mentioned before.  At first Eric thought this was a waste of my time and I was frustrated.  However, after I have explained the idea, how it will work, the difference it could make and how excited I am about it, he had a totally different attitude.  Instead he began throwing out ideas, casting out names of people to call, and talked about it all evening.  I went to feed calves and when I came back the discussion went on.  This is where I found myself almost in tears...   He talked about how when I begin working that I should still do some freelance grant writing because he would like to take any money that I would make from it to start a scholarship fund for local kids that want to go into some type of agricultural program.  I think it's a great idea of course!  But moreso, this just reiterated to me that no matter how tough he seems on the outside, that deep down he is very loving and caring, and it about melted my heart.  Every day I find reminders of why I fell in love with him, and find a deeper appreciation of that as time goes by.  Now, if I can just get him to do dishes we'll really be making progress! ;~)

Is it spring break yet???

A dampened towel thrown on the floor
baskets from Christmas adorn the coffee table
A plethora of Hoards' reading is strewn through the living room
The dust keeps compiling evermore

Heaps of clothes from days before
they think the garbage bin must grow
toy soldiers fighting under my feet
no matching socks anymore

Two more days yet
will I pull my hair out first
waiting for the hours
the cleaning fairy met