Education: Phase 3

I've been rampantly checking the mail daily, nervously awaiting one piece of paper that would either say, "accepted" or "declined".  After what seemed like years (or maybe one month) it finally arrived.   "Congratulations!" was all I saw and I cried.  

  I never thought I would have a Masters Degree in Community Development, especially from NDSU.  When I was a child I was going to go to the University of Minnesota to be a Veterinarian.  Then I took Chemistry.   Maybe not... 

I found a love of political science, communication studies and social sciences.  After returning to college 8 years after my first attempt I fell in love with the social work field.  Hence I am a licensed social worker now.  I love social work, the theories and models, but I am not into one-to-one counseling. 


I love macro social work: community and organizational systems change.  The Masters in Social Work programs are mainly suited for therapy.   I need therapy some days, I certainly don't want to give it!   So, I found an incredible person by chance who is now running for Senate in North Dakota.  We connected immediately.   There was a higher power involved I believe.   She told me about this wonderful program I had never heard of.   A Masters Degree in Community Development with a specialty in Non-profit Management through Great Plains IDEA that is applied for at NDSU.  Hmmm...  Sounded interesting.  

I began researching and found that I am absolutely in love with the program.  So, here I am at Phase 3.  My associates degree, my bachelors degree and now onto my Masters.   All I have to say is, "Wish me luck!"   I might need it!

Role Models

"Ahhhhh!!!!    Do I hit the brakes or steer into it?!?"   I guess we find out when it's all over if we made the right decision.   Sometimes life throws the same curves at us.   Good thing I have strong, intelligent, supportive people in my life to help think about whether I should "hit the brakes" or "steer into it".  

Working as a counselor with low income families I see a commonality.  People have a huge lack of support systems.   No family, few friends, no support.  If they have family and friends they are usually less than helpful.   This makes me feel fortunate.  I've been a low income person/family for years, but have always had the support system I needed to help me succeed.   I wish I could give this to my customers.  I try, but I've been told, "Karen, you can't save the world."    My response, "Nope, but I can try!"  

This leads to my dilemma.  In my "trying to save the world efforts", I've found my passion which is changing systems.  I want to have the ability to improve services, to make them customer focused, positive, efficient and collaborative.  Of course there is a career ladder to follow to reach that goal.   I'm on step 3.   I'm not  quite there, but I am on my way! 

I am a counselor as I said before.   But, I am also gaining lots of experience as a grant writer, strategic planner, public relations specialist and much more!   Only one year out of college and I've had great opportunities in my current position.  Here's the problem/opportunity  (however you want to look at it).

The agency I did my internship at recently lost their executive director.  They have been in contact with me and want me to apply.  Great, right?!?   Did I mention I tend to over-analyze things?   

I've had a constant debate in my head.   Do I stay where I'm at or do I try a new adventure?   Should I have more experience; is it over my head?   This is my dream is to be a director one day.  Should I "steer into it" or "hit the brakes"?   

So what do I do?    Reach out to my role models:  My mother, my sister and my aunts.  Intelligent, compassionate, empathetic and supportive women who have had an impact on my life.   They don't ever give me the answers, but they bring me strength and provide me a way to sort them out.   Without their support I would probably still be below step one on that career ladder.  I don't know if they know how much I appreciate them.   So, in tribute to them, a special thank you and cheers!  

Overall, I think I know what decision to make.  But regardless of that, there is a bigger picture.   How do I bring the same type of support, vision and strength to the people I serve that I've been able to receive?   I don't have a complete answer, but I am hoping to figure it out.   Can I save the world?  No.  But I can sure as hell try.   One person, one family, one group, one organization or one community at a time.  

 

An Angel Looking Down

We all know life is too short, right?   We hear it all the time, "Be all you can be", "Just do it", "Live like you were dying", "I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time" etc.  We read articles about someone in another state who ruthlessly murdered their children, all the cases of cancer, deadly car accidents and more.  Why is it though that when it is someone you know, a close friend, a neighbors child or a relative it brings the meaning to a whole new level?  

Last weekend I sat with a dear friend in the hospital as we watched her 10 year old daughter, Jackie, for any signs of life.   On Friday Jackie woke up with a headache and started throwing up.   Shellie, my friend,  went to work thinking Jackie had the flu and left Jackie's older sister to watch after her.  When Shellie came home around 2 pm she went to hand Jackie some crackers for her tummy and Jackie couldn't see them.  She had lost her vision.

At the ER suddenly Jackie was in and out of consciousness and disoriented.  They sent her to Fargo immediately as they didn't know what was happening.  In Fargo she began having seizures and was intubated as she couldn't breathe well.  By Saturday evening she crashed.   The crash cart was brought in and Jackie was put on life support.   

I was at the hospital Saturday evening, Sunday and Monday.  We watched Jackie, waited for test result after test result with more grief after each report of bad news.   Monday morning they scheduled a brain scan to see if the brain was circulating blood; the final test.  I brought my rosary with that day, I happened to see it that morning at 5 am when I was getting ready to head out.   God was sending me a sign.  While Jackie was being tested I went to the chapel.  I knelt down in the front where a beautiful wooden sculpted frame of Jesus with doves floating in the breeze stood.  I don't think I have ever prayed so hard in my life.  As the tears streamed down my face I prayed Hail Mary over and over again. 

I returned to the room and shortly thereafter the doctor arrived and very bluntly said, "This is the end."  A wave of tears returned to the room.  Desperate sobbing, anger, denial and suffering were only to be seen. As Jackie was a healthy child the doctor asked about organ donation and Shellie knew Jackie would want to help other children to live if she could.  Since it is a time consuming process it wasn't until Tuesday afternoon before there was any answers.  Due to the fact that her cause of death was unknown and could have been related to a virus her organs were turned down except for one.  Another blow to the heart for Shellie and her family. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan.  At a recent funeral for a relative of mine, a very young man, the priest talked about how God asks us to rejoice.  "Be happy and do not mourn, for the soul is now free and with the Lord."  But, how do you rejoice when you feel it is before someones time? 
Remembering the good times, having faith that he took them for a reason.   Was something in life going to happen that was too difficult to bear?  Did Jackie's little brother need an extra angel to watch over him?  Will she reunite a struggling family and bring healing?   I don't know.   What I do know is that there is another beautiful angel, looking down, and watching over me. 

Pathways

My boss has been on vacation this week which has left me all alone in my office each day.   Completely boring!   Since I haven't written in a while I thought I would use some time during my break to update my blog.  

We all wonder at some point in our lives what we want to be when we grow up.   I'm approaching 30 and still don't really know.  Everyone in the workforce field, which I currently work in, talks about career ladders and pathways, career assessments, occupations in demand, standard salaries and expected growth.   Well, I've taken career assessments which have told me where my interests are, I am following a pathway, I know what jobs are in demand and where to avoid, what kind of money I could make and where  I could find employment and I still am not sure what I'm doing.   No wonder so many people are overwhelmed with the thought of college.

I love my social work background, don't get me wrong.   However, a Masters in Social Work is geared mostly towards counseling.  This is not me.  I like developing new projects, creating social change, minimizing duplications and finding innovative ways to save money while making a "big bang".  My strengths, thanks to Strengthfinders 2.0, are Futuristic, Strategic, Achiever, Communicator and Learner.   All of these support this type of career I describe.   The problem is what exactly is that career?  In other words, finding a Masters program and wondering where to go from here has been challenging.

I love politics and policy, I won't deny that.   I enjoy public relations and researching best practices.   I like to work with a couple different populations.  I believe in helping those in need and really would like to work on prevention efforts towards ending systemic poverty.   I also love working with the elderly population and advocating for health care, ending elderly abuse and providing improved services.  I would avoid youth services though as that is really not my thing. 

I've been comparing Masters programs in Public Administration with a Healthcare Administration track and Community Development.   Community Development sounds more exciting and much less scary to me.   Public Administration has more job opportunities and I live in rural Minnesota where that comes into play.  Hmm...  I also looked into a Bush Fellowship- a 4 year commitment- where you recieve leadership training for 4 years and between $25-$75 thousand to research and develop a project.   I would love to do this, but I think the timing is off for now.   Maybe in the future.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing.   My mom tells me I do that sometimes...  :~)   I know it's true.  I am also inpatient at times which is probably why I find this frustrating.  I just want to know where life will lead me.  Wherever that may be, I am trying to enjoy the ride.  However, after 14 years of struggling year after year, about half of my life so far, I am definately ready for some stability. 

I guess I should pull out my magic eightball.   I was told it has all the answers. Although I shook it and I'm not sure what the hell this means. ;~)

God's Plan

Two days ago I sat here and wrote on my blog with tears streaming down my face and today I can't stop smiling!   God's grace is amazing.  

With the upcoming loss of our farm we have been wondering, "Will we be homeless... what do we do... can we stay in the same area... where do we move to?"   This led to an extensive housing search.  One of the options that arose was that Eric's Uncle, who lives in Tennessee, owns a home a few miles away from our place and it was up for sale.   It was Eric's Grandpa's home before he passed away and we were very close to his Grandpa and visited often.   We talked to Eric's Uncle about renting, but since he was in Tennessee he really wasn't keen on it.

After a day of thinking, exploring options and lots of prayers we thought about our potential to buy.   While most common routes of homebuying went out the window due to our current situation, we thought contract for deed might be an option.   Needless to say, before we even lose one property we are purchasing another!

The house is bigger and in better shape than our current home with three bedrooms, one bathroom, a large entryway addition and also a finished two stall garage. There is 11 acres which is enough to play in the garden, maybe raise a couple calves and chickens etc.   Our next door neighbor is Eric's cousin who is a great guy and some of our closest friends will be only 1 mile one direction and a few miles the other direction.   

Even though the loss of the farm is devastating, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.  Buying Grandpa's house, having wonderful friends as neighbors, a bigger/in better shape home, kids in the same school district, and not having to claim bankruptcy all in the same bundle. 

Moral of the story is that God always has a plan and I truly believe he has been watching out for us, with Grandpa nudging his side of course.  ;~)   Hallelujah!!!

Values and Freedom

I've been trying to console myself, feeling pretty self absorbed in my own anger, fear and sorrows this week.   But, watching season two of Little House on the Prairie and listening to a family talk about how loosing their home was insignificant as they were able to live in America, the land of freedoms, facilitated a substantial emotional impact on me.   Thoughts of, "How could they be so positive in such a dire situation?" lead to, "They're right.  It's never over.  It's never too late to make a new start.  We are fortunate to live here and experience freedoms when many are never allowed the opportunity!"  A wake up call... 

After over three years of battling the forces of nature, unforseen disasters, a monetary recession, rising costs of living and business and trying to raise a family and simply survive, our farming expedition is coming to an end.  The battle of values, ethics and survival now hinges upon our minds and the outcome  may lead to loosing our home.  What is the honorable thing- to sell out everything and hope to make enough to pay everyone off.  Is it realistic- probably not.  What is the selfish thing- claim bankruptcy and not care if others are affected knowing we might be able to keep our home.  Values and ethics.... why can't this be easier. 

Finding peace with a decision has been difficult for Eric and I.  There is no easy out and there is no consoling answers.  Looking ahead to try to grasp onto some sense of resiliency is difficult.  As I think about the situation I find myself humbled.  Looking forward to the opportunity to start over, improving our lives through a new faucet, remembering our freedoms and grabbing onto all the hope we can needs to take precedent. 

Conjumbled feelings, emotions and thoughts can lead to regretable decision making, so how do we make decisions regarding life at these times and what is right?  I find myself pondering on this; waiting for some grandiose idea or option to hit me, but it hasn't. 

While God is carrying us through this time in our life, I think about his footsteps in the sand and wonder which way they are leading.  Either way, I know that he will keep my family safe, housed, fed, clean, educated, free to speak and write and much more.  Wherever the path may lead,  I pray for understanding, healing and guidance for my family and am thankful for all that I have.

Values are not about land, business, pride or money... they are about love, humility, freedom and faith. 
  

New Horizons

Updating my blog has not been my stong point this past 6 months, so I appologize for that.   However, I thought I had better follow up after my previous post. 

First off, thank you for all the prayers!  I can't express how appreciated they are, and they have paid off.  On Monday we met with our farm service agency representative, who is a wizard or should be anyway, and he put the options on the table.   To get right to the point, they are going to work with us.  This gives us the opportunity to keep the farm and turn things around.   Wonderful, right!?!

So, my mom always taught me to see the good in everything.   Even though the time period before this was really emotional, frightening, and stressful, it gave me the opportunity to do some really deep thinking which I appreciate.   Bottom line: there will be some new changes on the horizon.

I am definately a goal setter, however, I think we all get to a point where once we achieve our goals that we set out for we get a little stagnant if we don't sit down and restructure.   I realized that in the last 6 months or so I had become stagnant and so has my husband, career wise.   After graduating from college and finding a job, I didn't sit down and reformat what comes next.   My husband fell into the same trend as well.  The good news is that almost loosing the farm revived us from this state and now we have been able to reorganize and restructure. 

Setting new goals for myself, my family, and our careers is like breathing in fresh spring air.  It's revitalizing, it reminds you that things will begin to grow soon, and it's the beginning of something beautiful.   With some short term and long term goals drawn out, with steps on how to get there, we are on our way again.  The weight lifted off my shoulders feels fabulous, and I feel renewed.   

With new horizons ahead, we are on our way. 

How do you prepare to change your life?

How do you prepare to change your life?   I've contemplated this question often lately.   Changing your culture, part of your being, what regulates your schedule, your family, your values and ethics, and your pocket book.  Dairy farming is much more than a career, it's a culture of its own, a lifestyle, a story.   It started with a dream, a creation of something much bigger than a job or a few pennies in the pocket; like trying to create a garden exploding with  foliage but with only the seeds of hope and determination.    Our dreams became a reality four years ago, and now it feels as if someone is burning the blueprint we created in front of our own eyes. 

We had no illusions going into the dairy industry.   We knew full well how much work, time and effort it would be.   Money was not an expectation, but there was hope that there would be enough to survive.  Despite the downfalls of the dairy, the farm has been a blessing.   My children have learned responsibility, work ethics, have more knowledge in their little heads- anything from breeding cows, how to care for calves, to what type of chemicals we use to clean the barn lines- and have had priveleges that only a farm child can truly appreciate.   I see the pride and happiness that my husband has experienced, the hard work he has put into all areas of the farm, and remember the day we inscribed "The Crabtree Farm" into the concrete we poured.  Now his pride, self-esteem, and hope fade each day.    My own experience on the farm has exacerbated that of any job I could ever find as well, yet lately at the end of each day the barn floor catches my tears. 

After three years of unpredictable disasters beyond our control, which have compiled and caused utter chaos, I find myself trying to prepare for change.  We have one very small hope that we can continue, but it's about as big as a sliver in a pile of sawdust.  However, I am still praying and won't give up hope.  

But for now these questions plague my mind: How do I help my family, how do we prepare, what do we do, how does this work...?   With an uncertain future ahead, I have a very heavy heart.   When I ask these questions the first thought that comes to my mind is prayer.   All I pray for is for some peace for my family, to show us which way to go, and to guide us in that direction.   So, for anyone out there, please pray for my family.