Pathways

My boss has been on vacation this week which has left me all alone in my office each day.   Completely boring!   Since I haven't written in a while I thought I would use some time during my break to update my blog.  

We all wonder at some point in our lives what we want to be when we grow up.   I'm approaching 30 and still don't really know.  Everyone in the workforce field, which I currently work in, talks about career ladders and pathways, career assessments, occupations in demand, standard salaries and expected growth.   Well, I've taken career assessments which have told me where my interests are, I am following a pathway, I know what jobs are in demand and where to avoid, what kind of money I could make and where  I could find employment and I still am not sure what I'm doing.   No wonder so many people are overwhelmed with the thought of college.

I love my social work background, don't get me wrong.   However, a Masters in Social Work is geared mostly towards counseling.  This is not me.  I like developing new projects, creating social change, minimizing duplications and finding innovative ways to save money while making a "big bang".  My strengths, thanks to Strengthfinders 2.0, are Futuristic, Strategic, Achiever, Communicator and Learner.   All of these support this type of career I describe.   The problem is what exactly is that career?  In other words, finding a Masters program and wondering where to go from here has been challenging.

I love politics and policy, I won't deny that.   I enjoy public relations and researching best practices.   I like to work with a couple different populations.  I believe in helping those in need and really would like to work on prevention efforts towards ending systemic poverty.   I also love working with the elderly population and advocating for health care, ending elderly abuse and providing improved services.  I would avoid youth services though as that is really not my thing. 

I've been comparing Masters programs in Public Administration with a Healthcare Administration track and Community Development.   Community Development sounds more exciting and much less scary to me.   Public Administration has more job opportunities and I live in rural Minnesota where that comes into play.  Hmm...  I also looked into a Bush Fellowship- a 4 year commitment- where you recieve leadership training for 4 years and between $25-$75 thousand to research and develop a project.   I would love to do this, but I think the timing is off for now.   Maybe in the future.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing.   My mom tells me I do that sometimes...  :~)   I know it's true.  I am also inpatient at times which is probably why I find this frustrating.  I just want to know where life will lead me.  Wherever that may be, I am trying to enjoy the ride.  However, after 14 years of struggling year after year, about half of my life so far, I am definately ready for some stability. 

I guess I should pull out my magic eightball.   I was told it has all the answers. Although I shook it and I'm not sure what the hell this means. ;~)

God's Plan

Two days ago I sat here and wrote on my blog with tears streaming down my face and today I can't stop smiling!   God's grace is amazing.  

With the upcoming loss of our farm we have been wondering, "Will we be homeless... what do we do... can we stay in the same area... where do we move to?"   This led to an extensive housing search.  One of the options that arose was that Eric's Uncle, who lives in Tennessee, owns a home a few miles away from our place and it was up for sale.   It was Eric's Grandpa's home before he passed away and we were very close to his Grandpa and visited often.   We talked to Eric's Uncle about renting, but since he was in Tennessee he really wasn't keen on it.

After a day of thinking, exploring options and lots of prayers we thought about our potential to buy.   While most common routes of homebuying went out the window due to our current situation, we thought contract for deed might be an option.   Needless to say, before we even lose one property we are purchasing another!

The house is bigger and in better shape than our current home with three bedrooms, one bathroom, a large entryway addition and also a finished two stall garage. There is 11 acres which is enough to play in the garden, maybe raise a couple calves and chickens etc.   Our next door neighbor is Eric's cousin who is a great guy and some of our closest friends will be only 1 mile one direction and a few miles the other direction.   

Even though the loss of the farm is devastating, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.  Buying Grandpa's house, having wonderful friends as neighbors, a bigger/in better shape home, kids in the same school district, and not having to claim bankruptcy all in the same bundle. 

Moral of the story is that God always has a plan and I truly believe he has been watching out for us, with Grandpa nudging his side of course.  ;~)   Hallelujah!!!

Values and Freedom

I've been trying to console myself, feeling pretty self absorbed in my own anger, fear and sorrows this week.   But, watching season two of Little House on the Prairie and listening to a family talk about how loosing their home was insignificant as they were able to live in America, the land of freedoms, facilitated a substantial emotional impact on me.   Thoughts of, "How could they be so positive in such a dire situation?" lead to, "They're right.  It's never over.  It's never too late to make a new start.  We are fortunate to live here and experience freedoms when many are never allowed the opportunity!"  A wake up call... 

After over three years of battling the forces of nature, unforseen disasters, a monetary recession, rising costs of living and business and trying to raise a family and simply survive, our farming expedition is coming to an end.  The battle of values, ethics and survival now hinges upon our minds and the outcome  may lead to loosing our home.  What is the honorable thing- to sell out everything and hope to make enough to pay everyone off.  Is it realistic- probably not.  What is the selfish thing- claim bankruptcy and not care if others are affected knowing we might be able to keep our home.  Values and ethics.... why can't this be easier. 

Finding peace with a decision has been difficult for Eric and I.  There is no easy out and there is no consoling answers.  Looking ahead to try to grasp onto some sense of resiliency is difficult.  As I think about the situation I find myself humbled.  Looking forward to the opportunity to start over, improving our lives through a new faucet, remembering our freedoms and grabbing onto all the hope we can needs to take precedent. 

Conjumbled feelings, emotions and thoughts can lead to regretable decision making, so how do we make decisions regarding life at these times and what is right?  I find myself pondering on this; waiting for some grandiose idea or option to hit me, but it hasn't. 

While God is carrying us through this time in our life, I think about his footsteps in the sand and wonder which way they are leading.  Either way, I know that he will keep my family safe, housed, fed, clean, educated, free to speak and write and much more.  Wherever the path may lead,  I pray for understanding, healing and guidance for my family and am thankful for all that I have.

Values are not about land, business, pride or money... they are about love, humility, freedom and faith. 
  

New Horizons

Updating my blog has not been my stong point this past 6 months, so I appologize for that.   However, I thought I had better follow up after my previous post. 

First off, thank you for all the prayers!  I can't express how appreciated they are, and they have paid off.  On Monday we met with our farm service agency representative, who is a wizard or should be anyway, and he put the options on the table.   To get right to the point, they are going to work with us.  This gives us the opportunity to keep the farm and turn things around.   Wonderful, right!?!

So, my mom always taught me to see the good in everything.   Even though the time period before this was really emotional, frightening, and stressful, it gave me the opportunity to do some really deep thinking which I appreciate.   Bottom line: there will be some new changes on the horizon.

I am definately a goal setter, however, I think we all get to a point where once we achieve our goals that we set out for we get a little stagnant if we don't sit down and restructure.   I realized that in the last 6 months or so I had become stagnant and so has my husband, career wise.   After graduating from college and finding a job, I didn't sit down and reformat what comes next.   My husband fell into the same trend as well.  The good news is that almost loosing the farm revived us from this state and now we have been able to reorganize and restructure. 

Setting new goals for myself, my family, and our careers is like breathing in fresh spring air.  It's revitalizing, it reminds you that things will begin to grow soon, and it's the beginning of something beautiful.   With some short term and long term goals drawn out, with steps on how to get there, we are on our way again.  The weight lifted off my shoulders feels fabulous, and I feel renewed.   

With new horizons ahead, we are on our way. 

How do you prepare to change your life?

How do you prepare to change your life?   I've contemplated this question often lately.   Changing your culture, part of your being, what regulates your schedule, your family, your values and ethics, and your pocket book.  Dairy farming is much more than a career, it's a culture of its own, a lifestyle, a story.   It started with a dream, a creation of something much bigger than a job or a few pennies in the pocket; like trying to create a garden exploding with  foliage but with only the seeds of hope and determination.    Our dreams became a reality four years ago, and now it feels as if someone is burning the blueprint we created in front of our own eyes. 

We had no illusions going into the dairy industry.   We knew full well how much work, time and effort it would be.   Money was not an expectation, but there was hope that there would be enough to survive.  Despite the downfalls of the dairy, the farm has been a blessing.   My children have learned responsibility, work ethics, have more knowledge in their little heads- anything from breeding cows, how to care for calves, to what type of chemicals we use to clean the barn lines- and have had priveleges that only a farm child can truly appreciate.   I see the pride and happiness that my husband has experienced, the hard work he has put into all areas of the farm, and remember the day we inscribed "The Crabtree Farm" into the concrete we poured.  Now his pride, self-esteem, and hope fade each day.    My own experience on the farm has exacerbated that of any job I could ever find as well, yet lately at the end of each day the barn floor catches my tears. 

After three years of unpredictable disasters beyond our control, which have compiled and caused utter chaos, I find myself trying to prepare for change.  We have one very small hope that we can continue, but it's about as big as a sliver in a pile of sawdust.  However, I am still praying and won't give up hope.  

But for now these questions plague my mind: How do I help my family, how do we prepare, what do we do, how does this work...?   With an uncertain future ahead, I have a very heavy heart.   When I ask these questions the first thought that comes to my mind is prayer.   All I pray for is for some peace for my family, to show us which way to go, and to guide us in that direction.   So, for anyone out there, please pray for my family.  

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NEW Women's Leadership

In June 2010 I had the opportunity to attend a 5 day seminar called the NEW Women's Leadership Institute which was one of the most inspirational times of my life.  I was surrounded by some of the most fabulous women I have ever met, the motivation to change the world could be felt on all levels, and the passion that the women had could be felt while they spoke.  This year I was asked to come and speak as an outstanding alumni to share my story, what I have done since last year, and to share some advice with this years attendance.  I was extremely nervous as I kept reciting words in my head, trying to make sense of my life and its direction so that I could share it with others. 

    I sat on a panel with five other alumni, all attendants from 2008, 2006 or 2004, which made me feel slightly insecure as they were all on quite a path.  My accomplishments felt like didly compared to the executive director, the woman working for the state doing amazing grassroots work, and the woman who is making waves for GLBT rights through grassroots movements as well.  However, as I sat there I just thought, "Everyone has a story... I just graduated and just attended last year... where will I be in five years?  Maybe doing similar things as they are?"  and I became comfortable with myself. 

I stood up to speak, stood behind the podium for a second, explained my hatred of podiums as they feel so restricting and stepped in front of it to share my story.  I began with a nervous joke, thanks to my husband, and began to share my story of being a teenage mom, struggling through an unhealthy teen/ early adult relationship, barely making it through my first year of college, but never giving up my dream.  I skipped years and talked about moving to Frazee because there was a pretty lake, meeting my husband, having my family, creating our own dairy farm, and attending college once again.  College is what led me to the seminar and I am ever so grateful.  I shared how it changed my perspective of seeing myself as someone without the ability to make changes since I was a "nobody" to seeing how anyone can make changes if they are willing to try.  Creating and capturing opportunities is all it takes.  Instead of walking away or staying quiet when someone is speaking about an interest of yours, speak up.